Hey, who wants to read my weirdass short story?

Craze · Post by **Craze** » Sat Oct 13, 2007 11:33 pm

Well, i made this weird story for my narrative theory class and i wanted to get some input before I turn it in. I just finished reading the book A Scanner Darkly (now i want to see the damn movie, hehe), so the fucked up drug culture influenced me, as well as another book called Why Did I Ever that influenced the writing style. Anyway, my story contains liberal swearing and is slightly chronologically strange, so keep an open mind.

Mind Dump

Suddenly everything made fucking sense.

?Hey man, want some of this??
?Fuck you, man.?
?What? It?s just??
?Dude, shut up.?
?What, man, what??
?My mom just died.?

Once there was a man who walked into a convenience store. Behind the counter, a real squinty-eyed Asian guy, I mean this guy shouldn?t have been able to see, his eyes were like cracks in the pavement, one divided by infinity, some shit like that, anyway this Asian guy behind the counter? How could this guy fuckin? see?! There?s no way. Why would evolution do that to an entire people, make their eyes like little slits? Teeny fuckin? little slits, and this is where they?re supposed to fuckin? see! Why would a just God??
Somebody else walked in the door, ringing that little bell, and the guy woke up. He was just an old white guy, not even Asian. Go figure.
Anyway, the man shot him in the face.

?What the?where the fuck is it? Where the fuck?? And what the fuck is this? Shit it?s all over my goddamn jacket. Who the fuck did this? Where?s my fucking money?!?

?What the hell?s this??
?What??
?A fuckin? roll of quarters??
?Come on man, my mom just died.?
?Fuck your mom, I don?t want fuckin? quarters.?
?Come on, just give me the shit.?
?What she die of??
?Apathy.?

A little girl was skipping down the street, chewing on Death and blowing bubbles, when she came upon a boy lying in a doorway and bleeding chewing gum out his left eye. She stopped to look at him. She blew another bubble.

?Is that a new doll??
?Her name?s Sally.?
?How?d you pay for that??

So the man shot the other dude?this unlucky asshole kid who just happened to walk in the door with a five dollar bill in his hand and a shit eating grin on his face that disappeared real fast?and he shot the camera above counter. He shot the cash register too, BANG BANG BANG BANG, four fuckin? times till that god damn drawer lock broke and the thing popped open like your mom?s legs, cha-ching bitch.
He pulled all the cash out, a green wad of peace and love, and crammed it into his bottomless pockets of despair. He took some beef jerky, too. He stepped over the dumbfuck kid?s body and on the way out he let the door hit the stupid asshole?s head, made a fuckin? awesome THUD-CRACK sound. Made my fuckin? day.

?LEAVE!?
?Why??
?Just leave.?
?But your medicine??
?I don?t want anything from you.?

?God damn this shit, I don?t fuckin? deserve this shit, ruined my FUCKING jacket,? he ran back into the convenience store and pulled the fuckin? roll of quarters out of the broken drawer. Quarters are money too.

?What the fuck you gonna do about this shit??
?I don?t have any other money.?
?The fuck you don?t, what the hell happened to the??
?It?s gone. You can have this.?
?What hell are these??
BANG!

A young man sat on the back of a black dragon, soaring high above the wasteland. Below, he spotted Jocelynne, his one true love, sitting in a small cage tended by the devil. The red bastard leaned over, blew smoke her face, and laughed, and the young man was filled with rage. He leapt off the beast?s back, pulled his six-shooter from his belt, and shot the pointy tailed son of a bitch right through the heart. He landed in front of the cage and the slain devil and grinned at his woman like John Wayne. She opened her mouth to express her undying love.
Her lips moved, but her words were swallowed by a sudden ringing sound, ting-a-ling. A fog sprang up, and an unslain devil spit in his face. The world dissolved?

?But I?ll miss the??
?Here, take it, you can use what?s left to buy some ice cream.?
?Really??
?Just go.?

Mommy doesn?t like it when I go outside alone. She says the bad people are outside. She says the bad people want to touch me. Mommy gives me hugs and kisses all the time, but she says it?s not the same. She says there?s some sick son of britches outside where we live. She says they want to take me to a place that I don?t like and make me take drugs and touch me and I?ll cry forever and they?ll laugh. That?s why she doesn?t want me to go outside. She says we really have to get out of here, move to a place where I can walk to the park during the day by myself and play with other kids.
She?s said that for as long as I can remember.

?Detective, Daily Exposer, can I have a word??
?What the?You again? How do you keep???
?Was this a drug deal gone wrong? Or maybe another serial killer??
?Another?!? We don?t know.?
?What do you know??
?All we found was a dead pusher, shot in the face, and a bottle of heart medication with the label tore off.?
?Were there any other illicit substances found? Russian automatic rifles? Nuclear weapons??
?Somebody please get this asshole out of here.?

Mommy?s at work and the TV isn?t working. I?m so boooooored.

?You want some jerky??
?Sweet, thanks man.?
?No problem.?
?Hey, sorry about what happened to your mom.?
?Give me some of that shit.?
?That?s what I?m fuckin? talk about.?

The little girl blew another Death bubble when Despair opened the door and stepped over the boy bleeding chewing gum out of his left eye. Despair wasn?t looking, he bumped into the girl and got Death all over his coat. He still wasn?t looking, he let the door slam?THUD-CRACK?and just stood beside the boy in the door and stared through the glass like he was waiting for something. So the girl abandoned Death, reached into Despair, and pulled out a great wad of Peace and Love.
She ran.

?Detective, Daily Exposer, can I have a word??
?Who let you behind the tape??
?Is this the work of a serial killer??
?A serial?? You?re a fuckin? idiot. He was probably just high on??
?But the boy?s head??
?Get this asshole out of here.?

Mommy gave me chewing gum the other day. I?ve been saving it. I think I?ll have some today.

Fuck, what the fuck was he waiting for? Fuck it, he went back in and pulled the five-dollar bill out of the dead little fuck?s hand. He ain?t gonna be using it anymore.

?Jimmy, run to the store and get some milk.?
?Leave me alone, ma.?
?Jimmy, I?m tired, just go.?
?But it?s almost time for??
?Go.?

Everything. Now, he finally fucking understood what he?
BZZZZZTTTTTTTTT!!!!!!!!!!

Never in the history of the universe had a man fucked up as much as this one had. The man still had to go to the fuckin? pharmacy, too, fuck. He slammed the door on the stupid little fuck?s head, SLAM SLAM, it?s this little fucker?s fault, SLAM, CRASH. Broken glass everywhere, but not a drop to drink. Fuck fuck fuck fuck FUCK ME. If I don?t get another fuckin? fix soon I?m gonna fuckin? go insane.

?Do you have any last words??
?I??
?KILL HIM NOW! HE MURDERED MY SON!?
?May God have mercy on your soul.?

GirlsDontDoThat · Post by **GirlsDontDoThat** » Sun Oct 14, 2007 3:46 am

Gosh, I'm sorry, but, what are you doing in a narrative theory class?

I mean, seriously.

I also think you swore too much for the short story to have any sort of flow. Maybe if you just toned it down? Like, a tad?

mountainmage · Post by **mountainmage** » Sun Oct 14, 2007 4:06 am

The theory of narratives? It tells a story.

GirlsDontDoThat · Post by **GirlsDontDoThat** » Sun Oct 14, 2007 4:22 pm

mountainmage wrote:The theory of narratives? It tells a story.

I KNOW that.

Craze · Post by **Craze** » Mon Oct 15, 2007 3:46 am

GirlsDontDoThat wrote:Gosh, I'm sorry, but, what are you doing in a narrative theory class?

Doing drugs and having orgies, of course. I mean, who would do experimental fiction in a class that encourages you to...do experimental fiction? Who?

Hah, but i guess it never feels easy for anyone to take criticism, both the constructive and the NOT SO constructive

Craze · Post by **Craze** » Mon Oct 15, 2007 4:48 am

Aaaanyway (ect. ect.), we're all entitled to our opinion

Oh, and I did take out four instances of the F word, but the rest of them were completely necessary, i assure you

GirlsDontDoThat · Post by **GirlsDontDoThat** » Mon Oct 15, 2007 4:58 am

Craze wrote:
GirlsDontDoThat wrote:Gosh, I'm sorry, but, what are you doing in a narrative theory class?
Doing drugs and having orgies, of course. I mean, who would do experimental fiction in a class that encourages you to...do experimental fiction? Who?

Hah, but i guess it never feels easy for anyone to take criticism, both the constructive and the NOT SO constructive

I'm sorry. Even if calling me a nonconstructive bitch is mean.

I never said the story was bad. I just think you curse too much and tend to stray from the story. Meaningless cursing just takes a lot away from the story.

I spent my entire high school career in narrative theory classes and it didn't take long to realize that the kids who cuss constantly in their poetry and stories just wanted to cuss and didn't really know what they were doing to their work. I'm not saying that's you don't know what you're doing, but I do think you could take all the filler curse words out of the story, read it, see what you get, then pick and choose what goes back in.

If that's not constructive enough, sorry. If you hate me now because you didn't want to hear what I said, you're going to have a rough time in your class if you are critiqued by other students.

Lethal Interjection · Post by **Lethal Interjection** » Mon Oct 15, 2007 5:05 am

Just to add my pocket change, I agree with the woman. The overuse of "fuck" did cause me to tune out of the story. I hope that's constructive.

Craze · Post by **Craze** » Mon Oct 15, 2007 5:44 am

GirlsDontDoThat wrote: If that's not constructive enough, sorry. If you hate me now because you didn't want to hear what I said, you're going to have a rough time in your class if you are critiqued by other students.

Well, I said I was kidding, but i'm sorry. I didn't mind your comments on the story, that was fine, but you have to admit, "what are you doing in a narrative theory class" was extraneous to comments on the story itself and hurtful besides. If someone said that in any creative writing class they'd be kicked out. Plain and simple. As for the cursing, the character was just a guy who cursed a lot, nothing more, nothing less. It was just kinda like "this is an example of the scum of the universe describing his own actions through his perspective." But cursing does tend to be a turn off for a lot of people and i can see the argument that it may take away from the story.

Edit: i went ahead and erased the comment (replaced it with "Aaaaanway (ect. ect.)); i'm sorry if you thought i was actually calling you that, i was just being defensive and making a joke in bad taste.

P.S.S. Seriously, though, besides the overabundance of cursing, was there anything else you felt particularly unaffective? Did you not like the story structure/shifting viewpoints or just that particular character's viewpoint? Or was there anything that anyone particularly liked?

Craze · Post by **Craze** » Mon Oct 15, 2007 12:32 pm

damn it, hehe

Craze · Post by **Craze** » Mon Oct 15, 2007 12:33 pm

Craze · Post by **Craze** » Mon Oct 15, 2007 12:34 pm

woop, freck i accidentally hit quote instead of edit, hehe

Craze · Post by **Craze** » Mon Oct 15, 2007 12:34 pm

four times, hehe, *sigh*, could someone please delete these extras?

ruotwocone · Post by **ruotwocone** » Mon Oct 15, 2007 2:52 pm

that little "x" button on the top of each of your posts is the magic delete post key

Craze · Post by **Craze** » Mon Oct 15, 2007 3:09 pm

Um, I'm not seeing any little X. Am i just missing it...heh, i'm more tired than i thought i was...