I:
- Work long hours in a thankless job that has absolutely no bearing on the furthering of humanity
- Sometimes forget to put a cover-sheet on my TPS reports
- Some days my happiness can depend solely on whether they refill the Styrofoam cup depository with Styrofoam-based, or plastic based drinking vessels
- Have waged a war upon a cow-orker who refuses to open the phoenetian blinds; which constitutes the only source of natural light I receive throughout my working day. As a result I am deficient in vitamin D, and resemble the same hue as a peeled potato
- Was diagnosed with 'Tapeworm Envy' after watching a documentary on how easy life is for tapeworms
- Spent 14 working hours on a report: 32 minutes collating the data, and the rest altering the colour scheme of the pie charts until they were a perfect blend of what I call 'iTunes blue' - it was the most well-received report in the history of the company, thus proving that it's not what you present, it's how you present it. (the data, before I tastefully spruced it up, actually seemed like the company was about to crash and burn with the force of a thousand colliding suns
- I may have an illegitimate son running around South America. He might actually even be my father, after a mix-up when drawing the Felstaff family tree
- Occasionally I have delusions of competency