what do you do?

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Re: what do you do?

Postby Felstaff » Mon Dec 21, 2009 2:37 pm

If we're talking about brilliant lives, then y'all should hear about The Success I Call My Being.

I:
  • Work long hours in a thankless job that has absolutely no bearing on the furthering of humanity
  • Sometimes forget to put a cover-sheet on my TPS reports
  • Some days my happiness can depend solely on whether they refill the Styrofoam cup depository with Styrofoam-based, or plastic based drinking vessels
  • Have waged a war upon a cow-orker who refuses to open the phoenetian blinds; which constitutes the only source of natural light I receive throughout my working day. As a result I am deficient in vitamin D, and resemble the same hue as a peeled potato
  • Was diagnosed with 'Tapeworm Envy' after watching a documentary on how easy life is for tapeworms
  • Spent 14 working hours on a report: 32 minutes collating the data, and the rest altering the colour scheme of the pie charts until they were a perfect blend of what I call 'iTunes blue' - it was the most well-received report in the history of the company, thus proving that it's not what you present, it's how you present it. (the data, before I tastefully spruced it up, actually seemed like the company was about to crash and burn with the force of a thousand colliding suns
  • I may have an illegitimate son running around South America. He might actually even be my father, after a mix-up when drawing the Felstaff family tree
  • Occasionally I have delusions of competency
255 characters of free advertising space? I'm selling these line feather jackets...
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Re: what do you do?

Postby Edminster » Mon Dec 21, 2009 2:56 pm

You need to post more often.
ol qwerty bastard wrote:bitcoin is backed by math, and math is intrinsically perfect and logically consistent always

gödel stop spreading fud
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Re: what do you do?

Postby Cirtur » Mon Dec 21, 2009 3:34 pm

Yes. I feed from your misery.
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Re: what do you do?

Postby Kidd » Mon Dec 21, 2009 10:10 pm

Cirtur wrote:Does anyone else fucking hate Kidd for his brilliant life.



Haha, oh Cirtur, it isn't all it seems to be. While it may be brilliant at the moment, it wasn't always this way. Oh no, things used to be quite different for the user known only as Kidd....

*cheesy flashback ripple effect washes through*
*"One (Is The Loneliest Number) by Three Dog Night begins*

You see, Kidd used to be a loser. But not anymore. After twenty years of blood, sweat, and tears (mainly tears), he's found the success to life:

Abducting and killing prostitutes. That's right. Each one of these used up fuckbags you kill gives you a +20 to your mana, which, in turn, fills up your Success Meter and thus, happiness is achieved. I know what you're thinking: "Oh God, won't anyone think of the whores!?!" and to be honest, no. They won't. So get out and get as many as you can today, before supplies run out!*

*the previous statements have been in no way evaluated or tested by the FDA, ATF, FBI, or any other three lettered acronym agency.
I Believe In Harvey Dent.
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Re: what do you do?

Postby Cirtur » Mon Dec 21, 2009 10:16 pm

Kidd, I'm already killing prostitutes!

I'm starting to think that isn't the secret of your success.
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Re: what do you do?

Postby Kidd » Mon Dec 21, 2009 10:25 pm

Cirtur wrote:Kidd, I'm already killing prostitutes!

I'm starting to think that isn't the secret of your success.


Well, dur, I'm not going to give you my full secret for free, silly. For six simple one-time payments of 49.99 (THAT'S WITHOUT TAX! ZOMG DEAL BREAK!), you can learn EXACTLY how I do it! I'll even give you the course syllabus so you can see what you'll be learning!

Lesson 1: Pick Your Prostitute
Lesson 2: Woo Her With Roofies
Lesson 3: How to Hook Yer Hooker
Lesson 4: Defiling the Body 101
Lesson 5: 10 Places You'd Never Think A Body Could Fit
Lesson 6: Insurance Policy: Do's and Don'ts re: Nosy Neighbors

And, if you place your order within the next SEVEN DAYS!, you'll receive, at no extra charge, the highly sought after lesson:

Racial Profiling: Because Blacks Really Are Bonus Points.


That's right, even race is important TO YOUR SUCCESS!
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Re: what do you do?

Postby Cirtur » Mon Dec 21, 2009 10:48 pm

I don't know...are these payments low low?
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Re: what do you do?

Postby Kidd » Mon Dec 21, 2009 11:49 pm

Bro, trust me, the only thing lower than these payments is your ego. Don't you want success? Money? Happiness? GOD LIKE ABILITIES? Then you need my product.
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Re: what do you do?

Postby AHMETxRock » Tue Dec 22, 2009 12:09 am

I especially liked the wooing with roofies segment.
Just like an std, will never fully go away.
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Re: what do you do?

Postby Edminster » Tue Dec 22, 2009 12:12 am

oh man oh man i gotta have this! Is it okay if I use my wife's credit card to order?

Credit Card number: 444444444444 (add or subtract as many fours as is applicable)

Expiry Date: 14 December 2009

wait no that expired already.

Honey! What are your new credit card details? I need them for... my records. And not for another get-successful-quick scheme that involves murdering countless droves of whores.

I promise.
ol qwerty bastard wrote:bitcoin is backed by math, and math is intrinsically perfect and logically consistent always

gödel stop spreading fud
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Re: what do you do?

Postby Kidd » Tue Dec 22, 2009 1:10 am

Edminster wrote:oh man oh man i gotta have this! Is it okay if I use my wife's credit card to order?

Credit Card number: 444444444444 (add or subtract as many fours as is applicable)

Expiry Date: 14 December 2009

wait no that expired already.

Honey! What are your new credit card details? I need them for... my records. And not for another get-successful-quick scheme that involves murdering countless droves of whores.

I promise.



Another? Haha, it seems you have tried one of our many competitor's knock-off's of my program. You know why they didn't work? Because they aren't my program. It's logic so flawless, you'd be a got danged fool not to try it.
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Re: what do you do?

Postby LordRetard » Tue Dec 22, 2009 2:26 am

Kidd wrote:You see, Kidd used to be a loser. But not anymore. After twenty years of blood, sweat, and tears (mainly tears), he's found the success to life:

Abducting and killing prostitutes.

But don't take his word for it. Just ask me, a customer of Kidd's steps to success! I thought there was nothing left to life until I bought Kidd's lesson tapes, and I've been abducting and killing prostitutes and living every day to the fullest ever since.
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Re: what do you do?

Postby Kidd » Tue Dec 22, 2009 3:46 am

LordRetard wrote:
Kidd wrote:You see, Kidd used to be a loser. But not anymore. After twenty years of blood, sweat, and tears (mainly tears), he's found the success to life:

Abducting and killing prostitutes.

But don't take his word for it. Just ask me, a customer of Kidd's steps to success! I thought there was nothing left to life until I bought Kidd's lesson tapes, and I've been abducting and killing prostitutes and living every day to the fullest ever since.


Another satisfied customer! As you can clearly see in this paid (which really means unbiased and honest) testimonial, my program WORKS!

And now, for your convienence, Kidd's "Get Successful Now, (I am ignorant and should be dragged into the street and shot in the mouth.)" program can be purchased thru this ad, or at any local Sam's Whoreporium. Sam's Whoreporium: The home for all your whore needs since 1932.
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Re: what do you do?

Postby Euclidthegreek » Tue Dec 22, 2009 4:22 am

Felstaff wrote:If we're talking about brilliant lives, then y'all should hear about The Success I Call My Being.

  • Was diagnosed with 'Tapeworm Envy' after watching a documentary on how easy life is for tapeworms
  • I may have an illegitimate son running around South America. He might actually even be my father, after a mix-up when drawing the Felstaff family tree
Well that settles it, the only way for you to be happy is to crawl through someone's skin and imbed yourself into their digestive tract. Follow your dreams, Felstaff! FOLLOW YOUR DREAMS!

The illegitimate son is probably your grandfather, girlfriend, and mentor as well, owing to a time-paradox. And you're his mother and his father. That's what happens when you meddle with the dominion of the time-warriors.

Edminster wrote:You need to post more often.
Second'd.
Edminster wrote:I'm starting to think Euclid lives in the past.
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Re: what do you do?

Postby Cirtur » Tue Dec 22, 2009 9:58 am

Edminster wrote:oh man oh man i gotta have this! Is it okay if I use my wife's credit card to order?

Credit Card number: 444444444444 (add or subtract as many fours as is applicable)

Expiry Date: 14 December 2009

wait no that expired already.

Honey! What are your new credit card details? I need them for... my records. And not for another get-successful-quick scheme that involves murdering countless droves of whores.

I promise.


I don't know, last time I gave you my credit card details you bought whore-killing methods.

We should be saving for Hardkore's college fund.
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