Pitch Hitter's Amazing Advice Column

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Pitch Hitter's Amazing Advice Column

Postby Euclidthegreek » Thu Feb 02, 2012 6:08 am

Attention SMBC forumers! Do you have problems? Do your friends and family have problems? Do other, syndicated advice columnist readers/submitters have problems? Of course they do! Bring them here, and our very own Pitch Hitter will bring you only the finest, most succulent advice. Specialty in romantic problems.

I'll start!

Dear Pitch,
A few months ago I got a gerbil, and everything was going fine. He used to eat and drink readily and was very active, but now he says he's always "too tired to go out." He's emotionally distant, and never wants to talk to me about what's wrong. I don't know what's caused this change. How can I get my gerbil to open up to me again? Is our relationship a lost cause?

Sincerely,
Confused in Carthage
Last edited by Euclidthegreek on Mon Feb 06, 2012 1:27 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: Pitch Hitter's Amazing Adivice Column

Postby Pitch Hitter » Thu Feb 02, 2012 8:55 am

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Dearest Confused,

Fear is the only language a rodent like a gerbil understands, and you have been speaking less and less of that language since the day you brought him into your home. But don't despair, like any worthwhile skill this way of making your intentions known to your furry friend is not lost forever. Try threatening him daily, by putting him in situations of peril where the only means of escape is to go outside with you. One example would be to set the furthest-most side of his living space on fire and then to take him "out on the town".

I'm sure any measure like that will put the spark back into your relationship.

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Re: Pitch Hitter's Amazing Adivice Column

Postby Felstaff » Thu Feb 02, 2012 6:55 pm

Dear Pitch Hitter,

Every time I am in the vicinity of two (or more) dolls (or action figurines), I can-not resist the urge to make them shag. I am 37 years old. Please help.

Loyal Regards,

Felstaff
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Re: Pitch Hitter's Amazing Adivice Column

Postby Pinch Hitter » Thu Feb 02, 2012 8:06 pm

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Dearest Felstaff,

Instead of making the dolls or action figurines (but let's call a spade a spade, they're dolls) have sex, why not make them tell each other amusing anecdotes? Pretty soon you'll have a wealth of hilarious stories to delve into at any moment one might be needed.

I can even forsee a future where you would not have to pretend to converse with a doll to be able to function amicably in human society.

Wishing you all the best,

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Re: Pitch Hitter's Amazing Adivice Column

Postby carbonstealer » Fri Feb 03, 2012 11:51 am

Dear Pitch Hitter,

Everytime I look in the mirror I am revolted by my grotesque countenance, and I see the that look of revulsion mirrored in the faces of the opposite sex. I need a boyfriend so that I can have self esteem, please help!

Sincerely, Fat Mole in Queensland
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Re: Pitch Hitter's Amazing Adivice Column

Postby GUTCHUCKER » Fri Feb 03, 2012 12:54 pm

Dear Pitch Hitter,

I just accidentally a whole bottle of coca-cola. Is this bad?

- Chut Gucker
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Re: Pitch Hitter's Amazing Adivice Column

Postby DonRetrasado » Fri Feb 03, 2012 1:50 pm

Dear Pitch Hitter,

It's nothing, I just wanted to see how you were doing.

- From the desk of DR
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Re: Pitch Hitter's Amazing Adivice Column

Postby Pitch Hitter » Fri Feb 03, 2012 2:19 pm

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carbonstealer wrote:Dear Pitch Hitter,

Everytime I look in the mirror I am revolted by my grotesque countenance, and I see the that look of revulsion mirrored in the faces of the opposite sex. I need a boyfriend so that I can have self esteem, please help!

Sincerely, Fat Mole in Queensland


Dearest FMIQ,

Seems like you didn't come to Pitch Hitter for advice, you just came to flaunt your own advice-giving abilities around. Oh, so you're revolted? Well gee, guess you better get a boyfriend then and I am going to tell all about how to do thatt IN BIZARRO WORLD

I don't do requests, I am not a hotel concierge. You bring me your problems, not your petty and worthless desires for mutual human connection. I will now solve your REAL PROBLEM and not by making you some barbie-girl who has to keep finding happiness at the bottom of a shaft. And I don't mean an elevator shaft.

Alright, so you're repulsive, how about this, the Buddha says that the cause of all suffering is desire, your desire for looking beautiful and being accepted by members of the opposite sex, embrace a lack of desire and end your suffering. Self-esteem is useless, the self is useless. It is a chattering monkey and you do not need to make it louder. Get rid of a sense of self and become one with the universe.
Image

GUTCHUCKER wrote:Dear Pitch Hitter,

I just accidentally a whole bottle of coca-cola. Is this bad?

- Chut Gucker


Dearest CG,

No, how could it be bad to enjoy a whole bottle of delicious Coca-Cola®, particularly with it's refreshing taste and great colour? It is impossible. However your terrible grammar makes me go off an a WHOLE HILARIOUS TANGENT that I will not be indulging here.

All the best,
Image

DonRetrasado wrote:Dear Pitch Hitter,

It's nothing, I just wanted to see how you were doing.

- From the desk of DR


Dearest, FTDODR

Who is this? Is this Auntie Jany at her tricks again? TRYING TO FIND OUT MY METHODS ARE YOU JANY? Well you won't succeed, I formulate my responses from inside a lead cube big enough only for me and my computer and the select chemicals I use to perfect my well-articulated advice.

Fuck you Jany,
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Re: Pitch Hitter's Amazing Adivice Column

Postby Edminster » Fri Feb 03, 2012 2:39 pm

To Mr. or Mrs. PITCH HITTER,

pig poo balls .jpg

from,
ed
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Re: Pitch Hitter's Amazing Advice Column

Postby Felstaff » Wed Feb 08, 2012 2:27 pm

My liege,

I have one hour and thirty five minutes to deliver a presentation about a new X-Factor themed casino game. I can't even think of a team name. Help me in the next sixteen minutes as I have nothing. There's 50 people in this room. Some of them are capable of firing me.

uh... Help?

Your humble observant servant
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Re: Pitch Hitter's Amazing Advice Column

Postby Sahan » Wed Feb 08, 2012 2:42 pm

One team can be called Happy-Go-Lucky, and the other can be caleed Throwing Our Money Away.

Sincerely,
Standing and shitting in Pitch Hitter's turf
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Re: Pitch Hitter's Amazing Advice Column

Postby sotic » Wed Feb 08, 2012 8:01 pm

Sahan wrote:Standing and shitting

That must be really difficult.
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Re: Pitch Hitter's Amazing Advice Column

Postby Lethal Interjection » Wed Feb 08, 2012 9:21 pm

sotic wrote:
Sahan wrote:Standing and shitting

That must be really difficult.


I don't think it would be difficult at all.
Just messy.
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Re: Pitch Hitter's Amazing Advice Column

Postby sotic » Wed Feb 15, 2012 7:19 am

Dear Pitch Hitter,

I have a friend who used to be one of my closest friends, but now I avoid talking to him because now the only thing he ever wants to do is smoke weed. He bugs me a lot to smoke with him, and I always tell him that he's welcome to go ahead but I'd rather not. Since that's all he ever wants to do, we haven't talked about anything else in a few months.

We used to have so much fun together. Is there a way I can rekindle our relationship?

sotic
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Re: Pitch Hitter's Amazing Advice Column

Postby GUTCHUCKER » Wed Feb 15, 2012 8:33 am

Hang around with him while he smokes weed
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