SMBC Comics Forum

we_are_138 wrote:Im never eating relish again. Ever.

What? Did I tell the story of how relish is made already? Damn if I did. I love that story. I've actually put a couple people off relish. It's one of my favourite stories, after the one about the lady losing a finger.

Oh, although it's not my job, I'm an avid tattoo and pierce subject. I'm on my way to being heavily modified. Mmmmm... pain. May be I'm a bit of a masochist. Naw, there's no may be.

My occupation is to beat up midgets and little people. We call ourselfs the People Agianst Midget Assholes! (PAMA) We kill midgets and use their miniture bodies as sacrifices to the God: Steve! Steve then rapes 8 of the members and then we all sit around and drink beers around the Seattle area and not share the beer with ANYONE!

I make 500 dollars an hour, too!

hawhaw1267 wrote:we all sit around and drink beers around the Seattle area and not share the beer with ANYONE!

You BASTARD! Congrats on the other part though. Heh heh, they're funny cause they're small... and dead.

hey, my dad's name is steve... maybe he's the god of the PAMA agency!
that would explain a lot of unanswered questions like why he beats the hell out of the TV everytime the man show comes on... damn midgets.

I think midgets are the only living things Im scared of. No, midgets riding dogs are way worse than just midgets.

Wolf I need to hear this story so I know if its safe to eat relish so please be as descriptive as possible.

we_are_138 wrote: Wolf I need to hear this story so I know if its safe to eat relish so please be as descriptive as possible.

OK, you asked. However before I start I want to say midgets rule! It's wicked to watch them try to get onto the bar stool at the bar. It's like drinking with a little kid but not illegal!

Anyhoo, first you need to know about sorting pickles (ok they're still cucumbers but I'm going to call them pickles). As the pickles come down the conveyor belt, the sorters have to pick out any that are either too big, too small, are crooks, are broken, are moldy, rotten or have been partially eaten by anything. Remember these are straight from the field and that's why we have to look for dead animals.

And pickle that is one or often more than the above defects are put down a special chute, that leads to another conveyor belt that puts them in a bin. These bins are big wooden crates full of bad pickles. Although we "aren't suppose to" (but we get yelled at if we don't do this. Fuck you management) any pickles that are on the ground along with various seasonings that go into brine, dirty and what not, are also put into this bin. Basically the only things that don't go into these bins are aprons, gloves, plastic and glass. But we know glass goes into the bins because it's on the ground.

So these bins then go into cold storage, which means they sit in cold water, frozen until the end of the season since relish is made at the end of pickle season. As you can imagine the pickles are not longer ripe since pickle season lasts about 5-6 months, may be more during a good season. The bins are removed from cold storage and the pickles are re-washed and "sorted".

When sorting pickles for relish, you are only to take out the pickles that are white and/or fuzzy. I was once yelled at because I was taking too many pickles off the line. Now when I say pickles, I use this term lightly for a couple of reasons. 1. They are still cucumbers and 2. They aren't so much pickles as leathery brown pickle skins with liquefied pickle insides. If you pick one up that is still whole and shake it, you can hear the liquid inside.

The sorted "pickles" then get ground up into this brown paste. This paste is hydraulically pumped and to a vat where it is cooked. After the cooking, hoses pump the brown paste into the jars. Brine is added to the jar along with green food colouring I believe. The jars are capped, go through a heat tunnel, labelled, packed and then shipped out.

And that, my friends, is where relish comes from. Junky, rotten pickles that weren't good enough to be turned into pickles. And we have low standards.

That's so cool. I read Fast Food Nation so nothing scares me now. I'm a little conserned about the idea of "paste" and the mentioning of liquid pickles. The relish I buy contains lots of hard, cubes of pickle. Paste makes me think hummas consistancy, and being old and moldy makes me think they wouldn't be hard. Does my relish, then, have a chance of not coming from brown, glass-pickles?

So what was gross? Do you not wear gloves when handeling said "pickles"? Now im not eating relish I hope you guys dont send to the states.

This reminds me, I went into a gas station convience store in BC and they had big jars of pickled pigs feet, er hoofs (I just like saying hoofs, not hooves mind you, just hoofs). Anyway, to the point, where does one buy hoof relish?

we_are_138 wrote:So what was gross? Do you not wear gloves when handeling said "pickles"?

Eww, you don't, like, handle money and then sort pickles do you?

TwoBuy wrote: The relish I buy contains lots of hard, cubes of pickle. Paste makes me think hummas consistancy, and being old and moldy makes me think they wouldn't be hard. Does my relish, then, have a chance of not coming from brown, glass-pickles?

we_are_138 wrote:So what was gross? Do you not wear gloves when handeling said "pickles"? Now im not eating relish I hope you guys dont send to the states.

Chances are those hard things could be spice added to the brine to give the flavour or the pickle skin. When I say paste I really mean diced up. Going from something semi-whole to what relish looks like makes me think paste.

We sure do send to the states. The company is Bick's pickles, which is owned by Smuckers. We make pickles that go to a lot of fastfood joints, Wal-mart brand, lots of different no name brands and well Bick's. If you eat pickles there is a chance that I handled and/or licked the inside of that jar.

wolf wrote:

TwoBuy wrote: The relish I buy contains lots of hard, cubes of pickle. Paste makes me think hummas consistancy, and being old and moldy makes me think they wouldn't be hard. Does my relish, then, have a chance of not coming from brown, glass-pickles?

we_are_138 wrote:So what was gross? Do you not wear gloves when handeling said "pickles"? Now im not eating relish I hope you guys dont send to the states.

Chances are those hard things could be spice added to the brine to give the flavour or the pickle skin. When I say paste I really mean diced up. Going from something semi-whole to what relish looks like makes me think paste.

We sure do send to the states. The company is Bick's pickles, which is owned by Smuckers. We make pickles that go to a lot of fastfood joints, Wal-mart brand, lots of different no name brands and well Bick's. If you eat pickles there is a chance that I handled and/or licked the inside of that jar.

Alright!!! ... wait....

wolf wrote:Oh, although it's not my job, I'm an avid tattoo and pierce subject. I'm on my way to being heavily modified.

OMG, best idea EVER! You should get a body mod to look like Larry, the cucumber from Veggie Tales. Then get a coworker to push you into the relish box. You can then sue your company for a poor work environment because you felt labled as an unfit cucumber by being pushed into the box.

Also, think of the awsome pickup lines you could use. "All women should have a good cucumber around the house so they don't get lonely". Or, "yes that is a cucumber in my pants, but I'm still happy to see you". And finally, "is your refrigerator running? Lets have sex."

I bet you smell like pickles all the time, right? when I was selling pickles this summer, my girlfriend would only talk to me over the phone because she couldn't stand my pickle stink. it was pretty bad, even though i got used to it.

Society wrote:I bet you smell like pickles all the time, right? when I was selling pickles this summer, my girlfriend would only talk to me over the phone because she couldn't stand my pickle stink. it was pretty bad, even though i got used to it.

The trick is to bathe after working with pickles. Trick of the trade son. But until I bathed, yes I reaked of pickles. I couldn't smell it but it was there.