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### [2011-May-19] Pillow Talk: A Worldwide Based Guide

Posted: Fri May 20, 2011 3:06 am
Comic #2250

Where does your pillow talk fit in that chart?

I'm definitely an empirical absolutist. I quantify the quality of sexual pleasure compared to other sex acts using an equation with a set number of variables:

t = time (total time of sexual intercourse)
f = foreplay desire (how intense was the desire to have sex with a 1 to 10 scale)
i = intensity of orgasm (same 1 to 10 scale used to measure pain but with very awkward faces)
w = work (how hard did I have to work on a 1 to 10 scale)
d = total number of diverse sexual acts performed (doggy style, reverse cowgirl, french connection, etc. on a 1 to 10 scale on number of attacks. Anything greater than 10 is considered still to be a 10)
c = intensity of concentration on the sex (Did you have to think about Margaret Thatcher playing baseball in cold rain to maintain performance?) on a 1 to 10 scale
s = shame (more shame being a 10, less shame being a 1)
n = number of partners (1 to 10, where 1 is just you)
a = attractiveness of sum of partners

sexual pleasure = ((i + f - w + d + c - s + n + a) * t) / 100

So the values for my last session went as follows):
t = 7 minutes
f = 6
i = 6
w = 7
d = 3
c = 6
s = 8
n = 2
a = 7

So..

((6 + 6 - 7 + 3 + 6 - 8 + 2 + 7) * 7) / 100
(15 * 7) / 100
105 / 100
1.05

With a normal range of 0.99 to 1.21 (t-score ), I'm 95% confident that my sexual pleasure was within the normal range.

"Hey baby, that was average. Ohhhh yeaahhhh."

### Re: Pillow Talk: A Worldwide Based Guide [2011-May-19]

Posted: Fri May 20, 2011 3:08 am
oh my god you are a colossal nerd

e: and not in the good way

### Re: Pillow Talk: A Worldwide Based Guide [2011-May-19]

Posted: Fri May 20, 2011 3:15 am
Edminster wrote:oh my god you are a colossal nerd

e: and not in the good way

Don't encourage him! That's exactly what he wants you to say.

### Re: Pillow Talk: A Worldwide Based Guide [2011-May-19]

Posted: Fri May 20, 2011 3:16 am
If you have the presence of mind to go through all that afterwards, you're doing it wrong.
Plus, ten minutes as the maximum measurable time achievement? Really?

### Re: Pillow Talk: A Worldwide Based Guide [2011-May-19]

Posted: Fri May 20, 2011 3:20 am
Edminster wrote:oh my god you are a colossal nerd

e: and not in the good way

ha ha. I figured it is something you can do in your head on the fly, and no need to calculate the test statistic. I would gage her values, but I thought that would be too nerdy, even though it would help figure if my performance was improving over time. It would have been more nerdy to use the equation if the number of partners were 1. How pleasurable sex is, I believe, is hard to figure out without some kind of standards of measure.

Apocalyptus wrote:Plus, ten minutes as the maximum measurable time achievement? Really?

I was thinking on a scale, but yeah, let's make it any amount.

### Re: Pillow Talk: A Worldwide Based Guide [2011-May-19]

Posted: Fri May 20, 2011 5:03 am
This is the kind of person who says "bell curve" when they really mean "number".

### Re: Pillow Talk: A Worldwide Based Guide [2011-May-19]

Posted: Fri May 20, 2011 5:49 am
I say that sex is five, and uber sex is ten on my scale, whereas masturbation is one. Therefore uber sex is both twice sex and ten times masturbation.
My scale is legitimate and elite.

### Re: Pillow Talk: A Worldwide Based Guide [2011-May-19]

Posted: Fri May 20, 2011 8:56 am
SEX IS FOR FIFTEEN YEAR OLDS NOBODY IS IMMATURE TO DO THAT ANYMORE GOSH

The young are taking over sex as an activity, soon it will be the social equivalent of spending all your time taking "selfies" for myspace

### Re: Pillow Talk: A Worldwide Based Guide [2011-May-19]

Posted: Fri May 20, 2011 9:07 am
I got 5.72, does that mean my sex is >5x better than yours? This seems to not take into account that sex that takes a long time != better.

I have a stopwatch and I time every sexual act. It's one of those loud ticktickticktickticktick stopwatches that beeps twice after every minute. Suffice to say, four beeps is more than enough Felstaffian action for the lucky lady, so I aim for this exact figure every time.

### Re: Pillow Talk: A Worldwide Based Guide [2011-May-19]

Posted: Fri May 20, 2011 9:15 am
Felstaff wrote:I got 5.72, does that mean my sex is >5x better than yours? This seems to not take into account that sex that takes a long time != better.

Yes, Yes it does. I figured sex as a unit of time for measuring something tangible like prostitution since there is usually a charge by time (act depending). The longer your pleasure, the greater it is, and therefore more valuable an investment.

GUTCHUCKER wrote:I say that sex is five, and uber sex is ten on my scale, whereas masturbation is one. Therefore uber sex is both twice sex and ten times masturbation.
My scale is legitimate and elite.

Amazing! I bow before you.

### Re: #2250 Pillow Talk: A Worldwide Based Guide [2011-May-19]

Posted: Fri May 20, 2011 1:36 pm
If I wanted to do math I wouldn't have sex so much!

### Re: Pillow Talk: A Worldwide Based Guide [2011-May-19]

Posted: Thu Jun 30, 2011 10:49 pm
I can assure Mr. Weiner that the number of people that love jokes about aesthetic relativism is <1 at the very least. This one made my day.

### Re: Pillow Talk: A Worldwide Based Guide [2011-May-19]

Posted: Fri Jul 01, 2011 2:17 am
P.Tsunami wrote:I can assure Mr. Weiner that the number of people that love jokes about aesthetic relativism is <1 at the very least. This one made my day.

The number of people who like those jokes is less than one at the very least. I think that is true about anything.

### Re: Pillow Talk: A Worldwide Based Guide [2011-May-19]

Posted: Tue Jul 12, 2011 10:06 am
That's a matter of opinion