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SMBC Comics Forum • View topic - [2011-May-19] Pillow Talk: A Worldwide Based Guide

[2011-May-19] Pillow Talk: A Worldwide Based Guide

Blame Quintushalls for this.

Moderators: NeatNit, Kimra

[2011-May-19] Pillow Talk: A Worldwide Based Guide

Postby Quintushalls » Fri May 20, 2011 3:06 am



Where does your pillow talk fit in that chart?

I'm definitely an empirical absolutist. I quantify the quality of sexual pleasure compared to other sex acts using an equation with a set number of variables:

t = time (total time of sexual intercourse)
f = foreplay desire (how intense was the desire to have sex with a 1 to 10 scale)
i = intensity of orgasm (same 1 to 10 scale used to measure pain but with very awkward faces)
w = work (how hard did I have to work on a 1 to 10 scale)
d = total number of diverse sexual acts performed (doggy style, reverse cowgirl, french connection, etc. on a 1 to 10 scale on number of attacks. Anything greater than 10 is considered still to be a 10)
c = intensity of concentration on the sex (Did you have to think about Margaret Thatcher playing baseball in cold rain to maintain performance?) on a 1 to 10 scale
s = shame (more shame being a 10, less shame being a 1)
n = number of partners (1 to 10, where 1 is just you)
a = attractiveness of sum of partners

sexual pleasure = ((i + f - w + d + c - s + n + a) * t) / 100

So the values for my last session went as follows):
t = 7 minutes
f = 6
i = 6
w = 7
d = 3
c = 6
s = 8
n = 2
a = 7

So..

((6 + 6 - 7 + 3 + 6 - 8 + 2 + 7) * 7) / 100
(15 * 7) / 100
105 / 100
1.05

With a normal range of 0.99 to 1.21 (t-score :cry:), I'm 95% confident that my sexual pleasure was within the normal range.

"Hey baby, that was average. Ohhhh yeaahhhh."
Last edited by Quintushalls on Fri May 20, 2011 1:09 pm, edited 2 times in total.
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Re: Pillow Talk: A Worldwide Based Guide [2011-May-19]

Postby Edminster » Fri May 20, 2011 3:08 am

oh my god you are a colossal nerd

e: and not in the good way
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Re: Pillow Talk: A Worldwide Based Guide [2011-May-19]

Postby Oldrac the Chitinous » Fri May 20, 2011 3:15 am

Police said they spent some time working out if they could charge the man with being armed with a weapon, as technically he was armed with part of a fish.
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Re: Pillow Talk: A Worldwide Based Guide [2011-May-19]

Postby Apocalyptus » Fri May 20, 2011 3:16 am

If you have the presence of mind to go through all that afterwards, you're doing it wrong.
Plus, ten minutes as the maximum measurable time achievement? Really?
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Re: Pillow Talk: A Worldwide Based Guide [2011-May-19]

Postby Quintushalls » Fri May 20, 2011 3:20 am

Last edited by Quintushalls on Fri May 20, 2011 6:14 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: Pillow Talk: A Worldwide Based Guide [2011-May-19]

Postby DonRetrasado » Fri May 20, 2011 5:03 am

This is the kind of person who says "bell curve" when they really mean "number".
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Re: Pillow Talk: A Worldwide Based Guide [2011-May-19]

Postby GUTCHUCKER » Fri May 20, 2011 5:49 am

I say that sex is five, and uber sex is ten on my scale, whereas masturbation is one. Therefore uber sex is both twice sex and ten times masturbation.
My scale is legitimate and elite.
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Re: Pillow Talk: A Worldwide Based Guide [2011-May-19]

Postby carbonstealer » Fri May 20, 2011 8:56 am

SEX IS FOR FIFTEEN YEAR OLDS NOBODY IS IMMATURE TO DO THAT ANYMORE GOSH

The young are taking over sex as an activity, soon it will be the social equivalent of spending all your time taking "selfies" for myspace
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Re: Pillow Talk: A Worldwide Based Guide [2011-May-19]

Postby Felstaff » Fri May 20, 2011 9:07 am

I got 5.72, does that mean my sex is >5x better than yours? This seems to not take into account that sex that takes a long time != better.

I have a stopwatch and I time every sexual act. It's one of those loud ticktickticktickticktick stopwatches that beeps twice after every minute. Suffice to say, four beeps is more than enough Felstaffian action for the lucky lady, so I aim for this exact figure every time.
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Re: Pillow Talk: A Worldwide Based Guide [2011-May-19]

Postby Quintushalls » Fri May 20, 2011 9:15 am

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Re: #2250 Pillow Talk: A Worldwide Based Guide [2011-May-19]

Postby Kovvy » Fri May 20, 2011 1:36 pm

If I wanted to do math I wouldn't have sex so much!
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Re: Pillow Talk: A Worldwide Based Guide [2011-May-19]

Postby P.Tsunami » Thu Jun 30, 2011 10:49 pm

I can assure Mr. Weiner that the number of people that love jokes about aesthetic relativism is <1 at the very least. This one made my day.
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Re: Pillow Talk: A Worldwide Based Guide [2011-May-19]

Postby Lethal Interjection » Fri Jul 01, 2011 2:17 am

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Re: Pillow Talk: A Worldwide Based Guide [2011-May-19]

Postby GUTCHUCKER » Tue Jul 12, 2011 10:06 am

That's a matter of opinion
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