Death's Wishes

[DonRetrasado]

I wish I was a little bit taller, but not enough that anyone would notice.

You're a bit taller, but not even you realise. You die shaking your fist at God for this perceived injustice.

I wish my rapping career would take off.

[Lethal Interjection]

You're a bit taller, but not even you realise. You die shaking your fist at God for this perceived injustice.

I wish my rapping career would take off.

Your rapping career takes off. You get major airplay and huge contracts. You are stabbed after an award show, and die.

I wish I was a little bit taller, but not enough that anyone would notice.

You get a little bit taller. And no one notices, because you also became invisible. Any novelty wears off pretty quickly, as you live the definition of a solitary life. You spend several years in solitude. One day you absent-mindedly jaywalk across the street and a car doesn't see you and runs over you, and the driver didn't know what hit him. Passers-by smell the stink of your rotting corpse though no one knows where it is coming from.

I wish I won a modest lottery of about a million dollars.

[GUTCHUCKER]

You lose the ticket, which is picked up by a dirty unshaven homeless man. He uses his ticket to buy his way to wealth, glory and a razor, and sells his story to the media, acquiring fame. He begins to dabble in politics, then manipulate, and eventually sets himself up as a powerful tyrannical emperor, lording it over the land, his iron fist clenching your world in an unyielding grip. You go outside to get the mail and are crushed to a smear under the tread of a battle tank from his personal army.

I wish for Earth to be visited by interesting aliens.

[Oldrac the Chitinous]

The earth is visited by aliens who picked up wi-fi signals from Earth and based their culture around our games of top trumps. They abduct you and force you to explain your friggin' trump already, geez.

I wish Gutchucker would explain his friggin' trump already.

[gavin]

The earth is visited by aliens who picked up wi-fi signals from Earth and based their culture around our games of top trumps. They abduct you and force you to explain your friggin' trump already, geez.

I wish Gutchucker would explain his friggin' trump already.

Gutchucker decides to take a break from his job (spy, naturally) and break 'radio' silence by answering the top trump earlier than expected. The organization he infiltrated picks it up immediately and launches their missiles out of fear. One lands near your house but only close enough to give you a long slow death. There is ice cream though.

I wish I were the perfect man.

[Astrogirl]

You are the perfect man.
Millions and millions of hetero- und bisexual women, homo- and bisexual men and androsexual genderqueer individuals pile up in front of your house because they want you. And behind your house. And left and right of your house.
You cannot leave your house anymore. You starve to death.

I wish I earned 10-20% more than I do.

[Felstaff]

I wish I were the perfect man.

You instantly become perfect. I tell you that my concept of a perfect man is a dead man. You consequently die as a result of this realisation that human perfection cannot be objective unlike, say, the perfection of diamonds. In case you're not dead, the world's largest, most perfect uncut flawless diamond falls from an aeroplane and spears your foot. You try not to worry about it for a few days, but then you notice a strange smell coming from the wound. You decide to visit the doctor, but in doing so you would have to navigate a particularly busy stretch of road. As you cross, an 18-wheeler careers out of control towards you at 80 miles per hour (128kph). It... narrowly misses you, and you continue on your way. The next stage is travelling through the Forest of Precariously Hanging Anvils. Fortunately this is just a name, and you cross the forest with no difficulty. You reach the doctor's, just as he is treating a patient known as "Chainsaw Ted: the Buzzsaw Killer of Oklahoma". Ted bursts out of the doctor's office and... gives you a big smile, before departing. You enter the doctor's office, and he greets himself as Dr. Kevorkian. "Don't worry," he says, "no relation!" He sees your foot and says you have a mild infection, before giving you some antibiotics and sending you merrily on your way. Soon, your foot heals and you decide to meet up in the library with your good friend Col. Mustard, who wants to borrow your candlestick. He takes it with a smile, raises it above his head, and ... says "this shines so nicely in the light! Thank you!" You wave goodbye and go home. Your wife shoots you dead because she's unhappy with the state of your marriage.

I wish astrogirl didn't post first, as I spent a long time on this and don't wish to tailor it to her wishes.

[Eisbreaker]

I wish astrogirl didn't post first, as I spent a long time on this and don't wish to tailor it to her wishes.

Astrogirl earns 10%-20% more than she does and consequently never posts her wish.
Unfortunately, Astrogirl's salary bonus is deducted from your own earnings. Yoink.

I wish it all made sense.

[Astrogirl]

You are put in the Total Perspective Vortex. It all makes sense. You turn insane.

I wish it weren't quite as hot.

PS: http://www.smbc-comics.com/smbcforum/vi ... f=4&t=3441

[Kaharz]

You are put in the Total Perspective Vortex. It all makes sense. You turn insane.

I wish it weren't quite as hot.

Global warming causes colder water melting off the Arctic cap to push gulf stream away from the western coast of Europe. The area is plunged into a mini ice age, crops fail, livestock dies. The German government asks Greece for assistance. The Greek government tells Germany to go to hell and repeals their austerity measures as an additional fuck you. You are killed while waiting in line for bread when a thrown brick hits you in the head.

I too wish it were not so damn hot.

[gavin]

Global warming causes colder water melting off the Arctic cap to push gulf stream away from the western coast of Europe. The area is plunged into a mini ice age, crops fail, livestock dies. The German government asks Greece for assistance. The Greek government tells Germany to go to hell and repeals their austerity measures as an additional fuck you. You are killed while waiting in line for bread when a thrown brick hits you in the head.

I too wish it were not so damn hot.

"It" was too vague of a term for the wish, so nothing changes as the wish granter viewed your face as the "it" and a wish is wasted on you being subjectively hot only to yourself and no one around you. Instead, you now view yourself like everyone else does and you are thrown into unconquerable despair. Also, you contract AIDS. Not space aids or even normal human aids, but cat aids. It turns out you are at least attractive to animals.

I wish the entire world would implode, me with it.

[Sahan]

You... completely misread Kaharz's wish there.

[gavin]

You... completely misread Kaharz's wish there.

fixed

[Eisbreaker]

Also, you contract AIDS.

Life gives you AIDS? Make lemonaids!

[Astrogirl]

The world implodes. You are dead.

I wish my new TV could not only read FAT16 and FAT32, but also ext3 so that it could run the videos from my hard drive.