I have:
Harvest Moon Cheats.txt ~ consists of all the birthdays for the characters so I can get friendships up with them
Buttersafe story.txt ~ consists of a story I wrote on etherpad with a few of the Buttersafe IRC regulars
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Once upon a future time there were three sisters and the tallest sister was also the ugliest sister. But she was also the bossiest so nobody ever gave her garbage.
These sisters were robots. Robots love garbage. These sisters were very unliked. So much so that one day they were forced into a time machine by an angry futuristic pitchfork-weilding mob! This time machine brought them back to the 1960s. This is their story.
*BUM BUM*(Law and Order sound effect)
"My golly, there's so many humans," exclaimed Maggy, the ugliest sister.
"Yeah, and they reek of fish," whined Molly, the aquatic based robot sister.
"It's a good thing we had those NOSE(tm)s installed." said that other one.
But they did not reek of fish and it was NOT a good thing they had those NOSE(tm)s installed. (Or was it? (It was not. (Fine.))). For the smell they smelt was not from fish but in fact a massive malfunction!!!! The robots, while Y2K compliant, were not Y1K compliant! This can lead to serious malfunctions and even... restless leg syndrome in robots of the NOSE(tm) installed variety!
Restless leg syndrome is not a disorder robots like to have. They rarely even have legs. Molly, not for example, was enjoying her 8 spider legs while Maggy and Other were treaded vehicles.
Spider-legs are best for use underwater. Spider fins are even better. In fact they came in handy for just about everything, including scaling walls, which was what Molly was doing right then. To avoid alligators. Corporate alligators that reside in tiny buildings.
"Hey, look! All these buildings are so tiny!" cried Molly in amusement!
Buildings, you see, in the future, where Molly was from, were much bigger. She was from the big city. The big future city. In china.
Which is strange when you think about it, because everything in the future is smaller. Except for robots. And buildings. And alligators. And fragment sentences. 30089.8 times smaller, to be exact.
So, anyway, 1960's Molly, Maggy, and Madelline were very confused. They were not like the residents here. They didn't know what music to listen to or what plays to attend. Also, they were robots. The other residents had, like, flesh and blood and stuff like that. The robots need to acquire these things in order to survive in these harsh times.
But then they realized everyone else was high constantly and looking weird wasn't really all that much of a dilemma.
Before they could decide what to do, it was 1987 (+-3 yrs). Time machines work like that sometimes. The robots did the safety dance before setting to work.
"What?!!!" Madelline questionally exclaimed when she checked the date. "I thought it was the 1960s."
Madelline's confusion was owed largely to the fact that DeLoreans travel very fast and one might be picked up by one at such speed that you might not even notice. And, in fact, none of the robot sisters with their robot brains had noticed. Also, that time travel works exactly the wat depicted in Back To The Future starring Micheal J. Fox.
"Hrmm, maybe if we just sit here and wait we'll be back in our own timeframe again?" proposed Molly, the one who was aquatic based but she is also pretty smart.
"Hey," said Matthew MacShepherd. "Robots!"
Matthew MacShepherd was a repulsive little twerp from the suburbs. He liked to watch movies starring Paully Shore and Infomercials on Tai-Bo. He also killed stray cats, but only the ones who would harm others if he didn't stop them. He knew what evil lurked in the hearts of stray cats. Impressive though this might be, this was kind of a turn-off to most 1980s women. No one liked Matthew, but when he saw these robot girls he knew he had a chance at gettin' some hot robot action.
Molly had never seen such a creature and, repulsive though he might be (and he was), she fell smittenly in love.
Molly, because she had spider legs, was the one with, like, a hundred (+-92) legs, if you don't recall. This is a good thing, because Matthew always was attracted to things with an abnormal amount of legs that also happened to made out of metal and worked in finance. But no one's perfect.
"Boy, why don't you come over to my yard for some milkshakes?" coaxed Molly.
The other girls were in sleep mode, for they are programmed to run out of power anytime there is potential character development for one of their sisters. They don't want to take the spotlight away.
Matthew later recorded an album in her honor. It was really terrible, which gave it a cult following. "No," he said, anxious to fill a plot hole, where plot hole is a euphemism (for greatest "literature").
But Molly, with all her SPIDER LEGS(tm), wouldn't take no for an answer!
She knew he was just playing hard to get, so she played muderously jealous. Molly activated her lazer turret sub-defense systems. Because they were her sub-defense systems they were only 120% lethal, instead of the normal 200%, which will kill you and the next closest person.
This seemed the only solution in a story that just would NOT quit breaking the fourth wall. I mean, God damn it. Which was convenient, because that was the most fragile wall in the house, and Matthew and Molly and the in sleep mode other two robots were stuck.
She killed Matthew, but she was not done yet. Molly activated her revival systems. Unfortunately these ran on Windows 98. Windows 2598, so still pretty fast.
*SCREEEEEEEE*
Her revival systems were apparently down. Total BSOD(get it? Blue screen of Death, on here Revival systems? I'm clever.)
Meanwhile, Maggy and Madelline woke up.
"Where the heck did Molly go?" Maggy asked bossily, tally and uglily.
Madelline, using her NOSE(tm) could smell the lechery in the air.
"SHE IS WITH MAN!" screeched Madelline.
Apparently, Madelline's processor had jumped, by itself, into a parallel universe that co-exists in layers with this one. Most people refer to this universe as it's stage name, Cavemizzle Universe.
Maggy recognized this. She recognized that this processor jump imbued her sister with two powers. One, she had the power to locate people that were WITH MAN, which could mean any number of things, and two, she had the power to fly. Unfortunately, this all came at the cost of... her robo-mind. Which as we all know is like a regular mind, except it's robotic and located in the FOOT(tm). Also, a robo-mind is a terrible thing to robo-waste. But slightly less terrible to robo-recycle. What? It's a thing. It's a robo-thing.
Moving robo-on:
When her tracking system caught ahold of Molly's S.C.E.N.T.(Subsystem Cartograhpy Emmiting Node Transmitter), it informed her. "I've caught ahold of Molly's S.C.E.N.T," it proclaimed, proudly. Pride was just one of the system's seven main regularly ordinary and sinful functions. Madelline subconsciously told her tracking system to stop being a self-absorbed BUTT(tm) and downloaded the coordinates onto her Cavemizzle Processor. Unfortunately, the processor couldn't handle so much raw data at once and immediately shut down, leaving Madelline defenseless (but up one cavizzle painting!) to the 1337 h4x that would surely be coming.
Madelline, who as we all recall had lost her robo-mind, didn't really understanding what was happening with Maggy. She had a general idea, but at the same time, she didn't really robo-care.
Just then, STEVE JOBS(tm) appeared! STEVE saw Madelline and was at once enticed by her fine robo-figure. What is up with guys and cavizzles? He immediately stole her away and pretended that he built her and then he got very rich with that other guy and he lived happilly ever after, forever.
Now, only Maggy was left. All by herself. Tall, ugly, bossy and alone. And a robot. She just wished she had spider legs right now. She could really use them, she thought, submerged under several corporate alligators. (Do you remember them from before? This is called foreshadowing, people! (It's a "literary" "device". (A laser is a robo-device (Just for reference.))))
The others were gone, well one was just crazy in love with STEVE JOBS(tm) and gone, but they're essentially the same condition. The other one was gone after her man, Matthew William MacShepherd III. Maggy was under corporate alligators. Their scaly neckties and alligator skin skins were sufficating her. She was going to die if she didn't get out of this mound of alligators soon. Lasers, she decided. Her other options were pushing, doing nothing, or both.
Just then, several figures lept out of the sewers. And by several, I mean four. Four headband-wearing, green, weapon-carrying, shelled figures.
"TURTLE POWER" they screamed in unison.
Each brought their respective weapons down upon the corpralligators and destroyed them all. These four are of course completely original and have never been seen anywhere before. Especially not in saturday morning cartoons.
Maggy recognized their names from somewhere, she thought. Perhaps an earlier, simpler, time where lasers were not so deadly and spider legs not so on-robot. They sounded a lot like famous artist's names though she couldn't recall which ones. Zdislaw Beksinski? No. Salvador Dali? No. Hrmmm. Maybe it was MC Hammer. No wait, that guy was too fly.
Which artists/rappers could it be?
Just then, the 5th turtle, Jackson Pollock, busted in. Paint flew everywhere. Corporate alligators ran, not wanting to be a part of modern art/fat beats. Nobody wants to be part of modern art. Not even robots.
When growing up as a robot, which is like regular growing up but more robotic, Maggy's favorite artist was the 22nd century scultpor Master Splinter. Master Splinter was known for his exquisite studies of blocks and other rectangular objects. He really just put blocks inside of glass display cases, was all. But he did it so impressively that he caught the attention of one young Maggy Scrimbles, a young robot girl from the Cyberbronx, which are like the regular Bronx, but less robotic. What you don't know, and might never find out, was that Maggy's name had not originally been Maggy at all!
By the end of the 21st century all legitimate art had already been created, so 22nd century artists were free to just kind of dick around. That's what so entranced Ms. Scrimbles. The sweeping not-motions, the subtle nothings, the precise lack of any and all originality. It was gorgeous and ugly at the same time. And smelly. Future-art smelled. Which is why Maggy got a NOSE(tm).
Anyways, the turtle sewer-pirates slithered back into the shadows because they were allergic to light and oh by the way its morning now.
Morning was dawning on New Yark Regular Citay, which is like regular New Yark City, but more regular. Just as it did in her time.
All this past (future) history welled up inside Maggy as her laser, which she had been charging this whole time until it was too much to handle. Maggy aimed at the safest target, knowing that what she destroyed now could have serious ramifications for her time. So she aimed at the MOON(tm).
That is why, today, we have no moon. We have a BATTLESTATION(tm). But that's a different story. It's called Star Wars Episode IV. Which is also completely original.
Back to this one: Maggy quizzed the corporate alligators on their knowledge of future modern art. These alligators knew nothing of art history beyond postmodernism, and she won multi-handedly.
The corpralligators, defeated, slinked back to their nests made of tps-reports and company memos. Maggy did something that resembled a smile, and trekked onward into this strange city, hoping to find a purpose or a quest of some sort.
THE END!
Moral: Sometimes, the tallest, ugliest and bossiest one of all is left stranded in the 1980s.
Alternate moral: BATTLESTATION
Not-Moral: Spider legs are useful for scaling buildings and attracting weird men.
Irrelevent: An apple a day can be delicious for a while but you might get bored of them.
About the Authors:
Sanjay regularly can be seen high-diving in a city park. He is also known to bowl a consistent 180 and audition for hotel commercials. He now lives with his wife and kids and pet bear and employ of thousands of servants and lumberjacks in the 1890's, before televsion got bad.
Japeth is 400 feet tall and has real life spider legs, which, as most spiders are very small, do not accomodate his massive height at all. He is AB negative and is looking for a kidney. Not for a transplant. Just to HAVE one.
Fenghar can be spotted in the downtown central metro area covered in fur and wearing a cape. Fenghar is also a bigfoot. You have been warned.
Morgan morgan morgan morgan morgan morgan morgan morgan morgan. Morgan.mofffjgan (Morgan is a pokemon and can only say his own name. We did our best to translate his work here.)
WHAT? MORGAN IS EVOLVING!
B BUTTON
What happened? Morgan didn't evolve.
pass.txt ~ A password to my friend's steam account so I could check out some of his games
What I live for.txt ~ A text document containing a facebook conversation with a friend on what we both live for that we eventually want to get around shooting
fsdklfjsd.txt ~ NO FUCKING IDEA "It is my dream to oneday[sic] fufill[sic] the prophecy of the sad and lonely man-child drawn from the loins
of two tortured youths who fucks the world out of existence."
Story.txt ~ Another etherpad story that I wrote with a friend
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"There you fool." Mark handed the wrench back to Andy. Mark was a handsome man. A handsome man indeed. He had a scar over his left eye from the war, and his right arm was replaced with a mechanical centrifuge. No one knew exactly why, but they thought it looked cool.
"So what exactly did you do?" asked Andy, a Hispanic man in his late thirties.
"Replaced the solenator"
"and what exactly is that?" replied Andy, quizzically.
"errr-"
Mark was interupted in his lie by a loud clanging noise that sounded like a mix of a pots 'n pans garage band and a cat being beaten with a sack of potatoes.
Andy spun around to see the remains of his once beautiful kitchen. A shadow of it's former self, it now was covered in a thick black soot.
A ship had somehow come crashing down through his ceiling.
Andy yelled loudly and Mark covered his ears in response. "WHA-" But Andy was not able to finish his soon to be explicit phrase, for coming out of the ship was a shadowing figure, occluded by the light from the entryway.
"Markus D. Bulga, it is time you join us."
Andy, who stood in the immediate way of the figure, was vaporized, now merely a pile of smoldering ashes.
Mark stared at the figure for a long time- A time that wouldn't seem very long if you weren't Mark or the shadowed figure. Because Mark and the shadowed figure were TELEPATHICALLY communicating. A general summary of the conversation is entailed here for you to read:
Mark: Why are you here?
Figure: It is your time, you must come with me.
Mark: But I want to go home, I want to live my life!
Figure: Your life was hardly worth living. What have you accomplished in your 30 years of living? Very little by our standards.
Mark begins sobbing furiously and crying.
The rest of the conversation can be further extrapolated by the preceding events. After said awkward conversation was complete, the figure extended his appendage towards Mark. Mark, who currently has very little to lose (having previously accomplished nothing in his 30 years of living), takes the hand of the figure and proceeds to step into his smoke filled ship.
Andy's day had certainly not gone well. He had lost his job, he had been swindled out of nearly all of his last paycheck by his best friend, his girlfriend left him, and his best friend had been taken away by aliens. Who knows, he could have BEEN an alien. Did you see the way he was staring at that shadowy figure? He might've even been telepathically communicating with him. Yes, Andy's day had not gone well at all. The worst part of his day, though, was when his child was abducted...
Of course, none of these horrible events mattered now, since Andy himself had been reduced to very little "matter". A smoldering pile of ashes, if one remembers correctly. Fortunately for Andy, the universe has a strange way of throwing it's inhabitants for a loop when they least expect it. Andy didn't expect to be vaporized, but he also did not expect to be simultaneously transported to a distant planet, one that currently has no English name, seeing how it has yet to be discovered by humans.
Andy Gasped for air as his vision became clearer.
PURPLE RAINCLOUDS! GREEN TREES! AMBER LETTERS! Andy's vision was filled with a wonderous spectrum of extraordinary colors!
"What do you see?"
"Huh?" Andy turned, as well as he could, to the person standing next to him. This person was a 5 foot 9, turqouise, and had a proboscous. Other than that, he didn't seem that strange.
"What do you see?" the strange looking repeated.
"Uhhh, colors...?"
"Ok...And what colors?"said the strange man, clearly getting annoyed.
"Purple, Green, Amber... and Turquoise"
"Ah, just as I suspected..."
"What?"
"You are color blind." said the strange man, with a hint of satisfactory smugness.
"On this planet," smirked the strange man, "being color blind is punishable by death."
This was turning out to be an extraordinarily bad day for Mr. Andy Gibson.
The strange man reached for the noticeably small pistol at his waist. As Andy began to let out a shrill scream, the strange man responded with only "Don't worry, it's non fatal, at least we think it isn't..." As the bullet entered Andy's body, he felt the immediate effects of the patent-pending "Dr Driper's Knock-Out Bullet!"
Andy awoke in a colloseum. Then Andy awoke in a hospital. A voice came from outside his periphreal vision- which was not up to healthy people periphreal vision, because Andy had recently received a concussion.
"You didn't last long, did you?"
"What?" croaked Andy, his voice dry and shaky
"I SAID YOU DIDN'T LAST LONG, DID YOU?" roared the voice
Needles and pins all throughout his head.
