Death's Wishes

[Astrogirl]

You get a soda. You drink it. It was poisoned.

I wish I could pronounce th.

[DonRetrasado]

You can pronounce th, but you still haven't gotten the hang of the voiced/voiceless distinction (thin vs. then). Relax, you'll get it eventually.
Also, try making an sound and pushing your tongue forward until it's right behind your upper teeth. Tell me how that works out.

I wish I could swim.

[Astrogirl]

You can swim. You swim in the ocean. And you swim and swim and swim. Then you freeze in the cold water or are eaten by a shark or both.

I wish I were a cat.

(PS: I can say th in a word, but not in a full sentence or at least not in a real conversation / when reading more than a few words out loud.)

[Lethal Interjection]

You can swim. You swim in the ocean. And you swim and swim and swim. Then you freeze in the cold water or are eaten by a shark or both.

I wish I were a cat.

(PS: I can say th in a word, but not in a full sentence or at least not in a real conversation / when reading more than a few words out loud.)

You are a cat. You are immediately spayed and declawed. You are killed by a neighbourhood alleycat.

I wish I had a better job.

[Oldrac the Chitinous]

You're now the head Chef on the International Space Station!
Good job, it's a really competitive position. Competitive enough that you gradually begin to suspect that everyone you meet is after your job, so you start putting in 20-hour work days to stay ahead of the crowd, and gradually start to distrust everyone you meet, because they might be after your sweet job. After a few months of this, you finally snap and smash a hole in the side of the space station with a frying pan and everyone aboard dies.

I wish I were a fairy princess!

[Sahan]

You become a fairy princess in a magical fairy kingdom. However, in order to keep the peace between the two neighbouring kingdoms, your father and the other king have agreed that you shall marry the prince of the other kingdom as a gesture of goodwill. You don't even love the guy and he's a total dick, but you swear to do it because it is your duty as princess. You live a terrible domestic life with a cruel and tyrannical prince who is later denied his chance at the throne by a fairy peasant revolution, in which your husband is beheaded and you are imprisoned in a tower with othe political prisoners for the rest of your short, sad life.

I wish I could learn the ability to teleport short distances.

[DonRetrasado]

You can teleport, but only at the rate that you normally move. In fact, no one can even see you teleporting, it's so slow. You learn an important lesson in bargaining.

I wish for a really comfy pair of pants.

[Kimra]

You get your pair of pants, and you wear them all the time. In less than a year they are worn out and holes have begun to appear. You try to ignore the problem but eventually the holes become too revealing. In a valiant effort to save the comfy pants you have them patched, but the patches scratch and itch at you in awkward places. They are no longer comfy. You preserver but eventually time deals the blow and your pants fall to useless pieces. After that you try to wear other pants, and find that you are no longer tolerant of their starchy and uncomfortable texture. Slowly with each day new pair of pants you try on your sanity slips a little more until all that is left is a pantless man screaming to the heavens with a wretched, "Why?".

I wish my room was clean.

[Oldrac the Chitinous]

The men in white show up and take you to a nice, immaculate padded cell.

I wish I could take a vacation to Iceland.

[Astrogirl]

You go to Iceland. An Icelander calls out to you: "Don't walk there!" You don't understand him because you don't speak Icelandic. You are boiled in a sudden eruption of hot water.

I wish the board smileys were fixed.

(Kimra, did you mean persevere?)

[gavin]

You go to Iceland. An Icelander calls out to you: "Don't walk there!" You don't understand him because you don't speak Icelandic. You are boiled in a sudden eruption of hot water.

I wish the board smileys were fixed.

(Kimra, did you mean persevere?)

Due to an unusual conflict between the site coding and your particular IP range, your account must be eternally blocked to make the smileys work. Plus you still have the cancer...

I wish I were a super-genius.

[Astrogirl]

You are a supergenius. You are incredibly annoyed by all the people around you ... you know, people with an IQ of less than 180 or so. Actually they bother you so much you cannot stand talking to them. Or working for one of them. You die homeless.

I wish I could dance.

[Edminster]

You can dance! However, in dedicating hours upon hours of time perfecting the art of dance, you forget how to move normally. Your every move is now part of a tango, an arabesque, the cha-cha and watusi. People stop and stare at you when you go to the market, and crowds flock around to watch the crazy woman plié to reach the jar of pickles on the bottom shelf.

Even in your suicide you cannot escape the dance, as you go en pointe to slip your head through the noose. Your death spasms are eerily reminiscent of the Twist.

I wish there was plentiful food and resources for everyone.

[gavin]

You instantly bloat to a size so immense that your body spans continents. Millions perish. In the coming weeks no one even considers eating what would actually be tasty giant meat and the stench is now too awful to get near that parts of your body that would otherwise be valuable resources such as your now massive bones. Eventually your decaying flesh poisons the world's water supply and all perish.

I wish I could die happy 50 years from now of old age and sky diving.

[Kovvy]

You smile as you pull the ripcord that should deploy your chute, but nothing happens. You watch the earth speeding toward you and give a little shrug. No regrets.

Then you smash into the earth and through the blinding pain of your broken body realize that actually you really, really regret that your chute didn't open. You're in the middle of nowhere, night is coming on, and you hear coyotes howling. It takes a long time for you to die. Then you wake up in Hell because [not your religion] was right after all, and an eternity of torture that makes your agonizing death look like a picnic (for you, not the wild animals that ate your still-living flesh... it was a picnic for them) follows.

I wish I was a little bit taller, but not enough that anyone would notice.