First Post!

[ruotwocone]

so... a whole forumy goupish thing here dedicated to my writing and art abilities eh? Well, since my incredible art talent is already well established here, how's about i wrassle me up some creative fiction:

Thursday Weeps (screw you guys it's a working title)
by: RuoTwocone

Chapter 1

An older Honda sped up Washington Street with a purpose. Inside, the streets slid past them, humming as they went. Jordan coughed. Hacked really. His body leaned forward and he put a hand on the dash to stabilize himself. Fucking Mountain Dew.

"You okay?" Orson asked, glancing over at him from the driver's seat.

"Yeah," Jordan managed to get out between coughs, "wrong pipe". After a slew of half-assed wheezes, he managed to get some force behind one final cough. He cleared his throat and took another sip from the plastic cup he was holding in his lap. Satisfied that he had gotten past it, he glanced at the clock on the car stereo, "We're not gonna make it. Connelly's gonna be pissed".

Six minutes and forty seven seconds later, the boys were getting a minor scolding from Mrs. Connelly. Mostly the usual stuff about tardiness holding the rest of the class back, but she didn't really seem into it today. Maybe she was starting to lose interest in the speech. Or maybe she had bigger fish to fry today. Either way, Orson and Jordan took their seats when she was finished with her speech.

After class, the pair made their way through the semi-crowded halls towards their respective classes. They walked in silence, although not out of anger. They had been best friends since the fourth grade, and conversations just weren't always necessary. Up ahead, Orson saw someone of interest and abruptly interrupted their silent trek. He cleared his throat to get Jordan's attention and pointed ahead with his eyes.

"You're doing this now," Orson said under his breath, "I'm not putting up with another three years of awkward smiles and moronic small talk between you two".

"Dude, after school. She's with Caitlyn".

"No, now. I'll take care of Caitlyn. Don't be a big pussy," Orson griped as two girls approached them. They were still some fifteen feet away when Orson yelled out to get their attention, "Yo, Caitlyn!". The girls looked up from their conversation and met up with the boys on the side of the hallway. "Hey, Caitlyn," He said more conversationally, "Did you finish the homework for Nelson's class?"

"The worksheet bullshit on Chaucer or the mid-term report?"

"The worksheet"

"Yeah, why?"

"Can I see it?"

"Sure"

"Sweet, thanks," Orson replied. He turned to Jordan, "I'll see you after school". Orson and Caitlyn then turned and left Jordan to his fate.

Jordan gave a shy smile, "Hey Mandy, what's up?"

"Not much," she replied. Jordan had had a crush on Mandy since she moved to town in the ninth grade. She was pretty, but not overly so. She had sandy, shoulder-length hair that had been kept in the same style since he had known her. Curled under a little at the end and constantly being pulled back behind her ears. Faint freckles adorned her cheeks and cute little nose on which a pair of thick glasses lay. She had smooth features, helped in part by a little bit of baby fat on her cheeks and hips, and her face was constantly in a smile. An eternal optimist, and nice to everybody. The type of person that everybody loves to be around, but knows that they could never pull it off if they tried it themselves.

Jordan stared at the floor while he worked up his nerve. Well, technically he was staring at her scuffed up Keds, but he was working up his nerve nonetheless. After a deep breath and an inaudible sigh, he looked up, made eye contact, and tried to sound as confident as he could, "I was wondering, um, I know you like monster movies and Spider Terror 3 is coming out on Friday and I was thinking, um, if you weren't doing anything or whatever," Oh shit, he was blowing it. Going down like a Thai hooker for a buck fifty. He started to panic and could feel a cold sweat begin to take over. He gave out one more "um" and steeled his resolve, "What I'm saying is, would you like to go out with me?"
* * *


Stay tuned for another exciting chapter!

[Simon.]

Stay tuned for another exciting chapter!

I might read it if that's what you mean! To be honest though I can't read stories like that. I go "OH" really loudly and skip as soon as boys and girls come into it. In fact cars as well, even school during a book does that. It makes me think of all those terrible terrible texts that we had to read during school, that were almost all about kids our age. "Hey, kids have terrible imaginations! Not to mention awful problem solving skills! Let's flood them with life advice in the form of English!"

On to more important issues, as Ruo is the first to post a story in the writing section, and as there is no mod yet assigned to it, I propose that Ruo be mod! ALL IN FAVOUR?

[ruotwocone]

just saw that i'm a moderator now and already feeling drunk with the power.

[ruotwocone]

Alright... here it is, Chapter 2!

Steven Daniels looked down at his watch, ?Hurry up you fuck,? he thought to himself. He glanced nervously out the window, then turned his attention to his son, seated across from him. ?Hey Jackson,? he said as he forced a weak smile, ?are you excited for your first trip out of state??

?Uh huh,? he replied, then quickly added, ?When we get there, can we have McDonalds??

Steve?s inards cringed. ?How about we do one better?? he half asked, half told his son, ?There?s a restaurant on this train. We can have cheeseburgers on the way there!? Steve knew that the presentation was well over ninety percent of the sell when five-year-olds where concerned.

?OK!? Jackson replied, visibly excited.

?Alright, then it?s settled,? Steve said, returning to his normal tone, ?but the dining car won?t open until after the train leaves town so sit quiet until then okay?? It was a blatant lie, he knew the car had probably opened several stops ago, but he wanted to be on the look out and couldn?t afford to miss anything.

?Okay,? Jackson said and after a few seconds, turned his attention to the video game in his lap.

Seconds that felt like hours and minutes that felt like days passed, and Steve saw no sign of the police onboard. Then the doors closed and slowly at first, and then more rapidly, the station began to pull away from them into the distance. Steve sighed inaudibly and allowed himself to relax a little. ?Safe at last,? he thought, and suddenly, pushing it out of his head, he turned his attention to his son and what they both agreed would now be called trainburgers.

Two hours later they were back in their seats. Steve smiled to himself as he watched his son?s sleeping head bounce gently on the seat. As they approached the next stop, Steve turned away from his son to get a look at the incoming passengers. ?Fucking perfect!? he thought when he saw the two navy clad figures enter the train on the next car down. He watched intently as they began their search passenger by passenger, photo in hand. He knew it was only a matter of time before they moved on to his car and then Jackson would be gone and he would be in jail. Fuck that! Jackson was staying with him, if they only knew what she did to him, they?d be giving him a God damn medal. They would just hide in the bathroom until the cops left. ?Jackson!, Jackson wake up!? he whispered as loud as he dared.

?What daddy?? came a groggy reply.

?We gotta go buddy. Quickly, c?mon?. Steve reached down and grabbed his dirty old duffle bag with one hand, scooped Jackson up with the other, and began to make his way towards the lavatory. As he approached the lav, he made one final check over his shoulder to see if he was being followed and staring him in the face across the car was one of the officers.

The officer recognized him at once, ?Stop where you are!? he yelled at the pair.

Steve paused for a moment ? amazing how effective that command is ? then dropped the duffle and began running towards the front of the train, all thoughts of holding on to the raggety thing gone in an instant.

?Wait! Sir, do not run!? the officer called to him as he fled from car to car. The officer could have tackled him long ago but preferred to keep his distance so as not to endanger the child. Finally, slightly winded and out of options, Steve reached the final passenger car.

?You can?t take him back to her!? Steve begged them, ?She beats him! Please!?. Jackson ran to the last aisle and huddled, visibly shaken in the corner seat.

?Sir, we have to take you to the station, everything can be dealt with there. Just lie down and put your hands on your head?.

?No, please, we have to stay together! You can?t take him from me!? Steve reached into his coat pocket for his phone. He knew his lawyer would figure this out for him. Big mistake. A single shot fired and Steve slouched onto the chair next to his son. His eyes staring at the ceiling in a strange position not quite sitting and not quite laying down. Jackson screamed and looked down at the hole in his father?s cheek flooding blood onto the seat and floor below. He screamed again. One of those ear-piercing screams that only a small child can produce, ?Daddy!?

A bit of a long one for serious, but a good one none the less. How will things continue in a riveting Chapter 3? Stay tuned!

[Sahan]

That was awesomely well written, but you could have added it a bit more background at the beggining. Both chapters seemed to rush through at the start, and made it hard to 'get into the story' at first. Just my opinion.

[ruotwocone]

That was awesomely well written, but you could have added it a bit more background at the beggining. Both chapters seemed to rush through at the start, and made it hard to 'get into the story' at first. Just my opinion.

you're probably right... i'm a little nervous to get too much into character development though as I realize my audience is forum readers, and as such, don't like to read anything more than a paragraph unless they can help it. Also, thanks for the encouragement

[GreenCrayon]

Both chapters seemed to rush through at the start

I don't fully agree with you, there, Sahan. I think the initial "rush" gave the chapters their impetus. As ruo says, I'd be more willing to sit down and read a longer text if this wasn't in the forum -- it's a hard place to get people to read lengthy posts.

I'm also holding back judgement on overall pacing until we know where the story is going -- it's impossible to say if it's rushed or not, depending on the length of the final work, and just how much (and precisely what) happens.

I know I've only just got around to reading this, but will there be a Chapter 3?*

* That's more encouragement, by the way.

[ruotwocone]

ah, right. Forgot about this thing a little. Yes, there will be a chapter 3 as soon as I get bored enough to write it. Possibly when I get home from work today perhaps?

[Husper]

Horrible! I only read the first 4 lines of the first chapter which were excellent, then I got bored and realised anything I wrote here would be irrelevant after I admitted to not reading the story, so thought starting my sentence with Horrible! might be slightly amusing.