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A script

Posted: Mon Dec 08, 2008 9:41 pm
by Cirtur
I'm a student, but I write in my spare time. I'd quite like some constructive criticism on the following script.

A band is on stage. They are about to start playing. The manager is up there and is about to introduce them.

Manager: May I present...the John Wayne Experiment!

Frontman: We're not called that anymore.

Manager: What?

Frontman: We're not called that anymore.

Manger: What are you called, then?

Frontman: We haven't decided yet.

Keyboard player runs up and takes the mike.

Keyboard: I've decided, we're called the Dead President's Society!

Crowd cheers.

Frontman: I've told you we're not called that!

Keyboard: And I've told you, we are!

They scuffle, manager breaks it up.

Manager: Does it really matter what you're called?

Frontman: Actually, yes. Yes it does matter, because we're called Club Armstrong.

Manager: No, you're not.

Frontman: Why not?

Keyboard: Cause we're not poofters that's why not!

Manager: I won't have homophobia in this band!

Keyboard: Oh yeah, and who's going to stop me? Your boyfriend?

Manager: Clarence is a pacifist and you know that!

Keyboard: Sorry. I overstepped the mark.

Manager: Yes. Well.

They look at the floor. Shot of the crowd looking confused.

Manager: Will you accept a hug from an old homosexual?

Frontman: I...I think we'd all like that.

The whole group shares a hug.

Begin Flame!

Re: A script

Posted: Mon Dec 08, 2008 10:17 pm
by ruotwocone
I'd say it's less script, and more campfire sketch, but that's splitting hairs? I guess it was alright. It'd make for an average scene in something like Gilmore Girls maybe? You could probably clean it up some by getting the dialogue to match the characters a little better. No swearing from the band sounds kinda unbelievable to me for any band I've ever met. I guess maybe they're a pop band, but I just assumed rock band when reading. It isn't that the dialogue was bad, but it was a struggle for me to get into the scene.

Re: A script

Posted: Mon Dec 08, 2008 11:37 pm
by AHMETxRock
There are a ton of writing styles one can attempt. You're seems to be an attempt at a playwright style. Writing conversation can de difficult if the majority of your story is speech. It requires alot of work. You might just want to develop a more detailed story that would do more than speaking. Perhaps, if a person is in a situation where they are attempting to lie to the police, you could detail how the officer notices the stressed body posture of the person, or the sweat dripping down their brow. It takes alot more thought and effort to be good. Few people can just do anything they want, all willy nilly, and be Mr. Rich Hill-Billy.

Re: A script

Posted: Tue Dec 09, 2008 8:12 am
by Lethal Interjection
Not bad. I like some of the tone. It is hard to properly judge without more context.

Re: A script

Posted: Tue Dec 09, 2008 3:29 pm
by Cirtur
Some of you were misled a bit, I guess. It's a sketch, not a script. Although apparently it matters a lot about what you call it.

Re: A script

Posted: Tue Dec 09, 2008 7:57 pm
by AHMETxRock
What I meant is that it's written in a predominantly scriptish way. I'm not attacking anyone who attempts original writing, no matter how irrational the approach is. In fact, even if I hated the entire topic of it, I would only criticize your writing approach.

As a play, this might be decent. What you mean by sketch is a bit vague on how you want it handled. A sketch, as in people performing? Not that it's even required that you ever intend for people to actually perform it, as long as that's how your writing is geared.

William Shakespear didn't make sets, the people would comment on how there are many trees. Of course it seems stupid to have someone announce, it appears as if Bernam wood were moving, when in a movie you can simply portray the people moving. It really needs to relate to you as a writer.

Re: A script

Posted: Mon May 18, 2020 6:22 am
by lumusislight
My tasks and samples:
Structure of script writing and mastering the skill for budding screenwriters domyessay

Nicely done. I had a coursework task to write a script, when I was getting my Master's of Screenwriting. I chose from the Drama Genre Mini-Unit topics. I had a “Frankenstein” script as an example for my writing.