It's a story with chapters!

[CasualFriday]

Before you read, note that this is a work of fiction. Also, don't base opinions on the first chapter, as things change quite severely.

Chapter 1
I guess I’ll start from the beginning.

During my freshman year of high school, I was very good friends with a girl named Amy. Amy was mean, selfish, and very attractive. She treated me terribly, but I was all caught up in my pubescent desires, and consistently lusted after her. I spent pretty much the entire year putting up with her crap for those brief times when I would lay on her bed and she would change her clothes in front of me because it was “no big deal.” I was clearly in the friend zone, and eventually realized I would never leave.

As freshmen year drew to a close, Amy started dating someone I didn’t know very well, a guy named Cody. Cody was nice, but kind of stupid. Well, really stupid. He had little common sense and did pretty poorly in school, but looked good. Amy was being pretty shallow (though I’m not one to talk). The two of them weren’t officially together, so they limited themselves to going out with groups of friends rather than alone. I usually attended these events, and we usually went to a movie.

Of course, I was at these movies to keep an eye on Amy, because I was still foolishly going after her. One fateful night we attended a showing of “The Da Vinci Code” with a few friends of ours. I don’t remember who exactly went, aside from Amy, Cody, myself, and a girl I had known since 7th grade named Nicole. Nicole was almost everything Amy wasn’t. She was very nice, very smart, but also very attractive. By some fluke I ended up sitting next to this girl, and talked to her throughout the movie.

I teased her a bit throughout the film (I had read the book and she hadn’t) and assumed that she was genuinely enjoying herself, as evidenced by her comments and giggles. During this time I completely forgot about Amy, about her body, her face, and her horrible personality. Nicole made me forget all of that and actually gave me some hope in humanity. Here was this girl, sweet, smart, and beautiful, actually talking to me without any contempt and not just as a friend. I was dazzled.

The following weeks were quite eventful. More group outings were organized, during which Nicole and I would spend as much time together as possible. We got to know each other quite well, and even held hands a few times (it was a big deal to me at the time). Nothing was official yet, but we began going on triple dates with two other couple (Amy and Cody included). It was during one of these dates that everything changed.

We were at Amy’s house for some reason I don’t even remember, probably watching a movie or something. It was very evident to the other four members of our group that something was going on between Nicole and I, and they intended to force the inevitable. Oddly enough, their plan consisted of quickly exiting the room we were all in and shutting the door.

I’ll admit that I was very inexperienced. It was summer after freshman year by this time, and I’d never had a girl interested in me, let alone a girlfriend. But Nicole was different to me than all the other girls I had been interested in before. She would later tell me it was the cutest thing she’d ever witnessed as I stumbled through my spontaneous speech about how I “really, really like” her. I eventually got to the part where I asked her out, and to my delight, she said yes. Later that night we would share our first kiss, which I also stumbled through like a child on allergy medication. She assured me I’d get better over time, and said she’d manage until then. So went the night of July 20th, 2006.

The next few months were a glorious blur to me. We spent as much time together as we could manage, went out on a few more triple dates (these wouldn’t last long, as both of the other couples broke up in the ensuing weeks), and made sure I improved on the kissing front. We made out a few times, which of course was entirely new to me, and started to get pretty serious.

About three months in (this is in October, for those of you playing at home), we took a step up. We were at my house, essentially alone (my mom was out with my sister and my dad was asleep, as he commonly is during the daylight hours) and making a gingerbread house that we had bought from Wal-Mart for $10.00. After an exhausting hour or two of feeding each other gumdrops and making candy-cane hearts (did you know you can make a heart out of two candy-canes? I didn’t until then) we decided to lie down on my couch.

As I laid there I held this wonderful girl in my arms, someone who I believe to this day is God’s gift to me, and I thank him for every time I see her. I reveled in her warmth while holding on to her, lest my worst fear come true, and something take her away from me. It was at that very moment, on my couch in October, that I decided to say it. I turned her around, looked deeply into her eyes, and took a leap of faith.

“Nicole, I love you.”

She stared at me. I started to panic inside my head. She broke her silence with:

“I love you too.”

Immediately followed by:

“Wait, what just happened?”

I nervously laughed and explained the situation to her, as she was clearly ecstatic to the point of confusion. After it all hit her, we shared one of the longest kisses I’ve ever experienced (not that I had much experience, but trust me, it was long). We spent the rest of the day in complete ecstasy, kissing and saying “I love you” every chance we got. It almost makes your mouth tingle when you say it to someone you genuinely love.

Of course, I never thought much of her reaction after I said it. As I said earlier, I chalked her confusion and initial hesitation up to shock. But who wouldn’t just brush it off? Here I am, 15 years old, and I’ve got a girl who loves me! I don’t care about her subtle subconscious hesitation, I’m in love!

Today, I can only think that this initial oversight may have been my undoing.

[Edminster]

Is more forthcoming? I generally don't get a feel for chapter-stories until about three chapters in.

[mountainmage]

Just one critique: "stumbled through like a child on allergy medication" isn't really a good analogy. Other than that, interesting story.

[Edminster]

Just one critique: "stumbled through like a child on allergy medication" isn't really a good analogy. Other than that, interesting story.

Replace 'allergy medication' with 'benedryl', maybe? That stuff made my sister hella drowsy when she first took it.

[mountainmage]

Oh, like the allergy medication is making him drowsy. I get it now. Dur.

[LordRetard]

Today, I can only think that this initial oversight may have been my undoing.

Hahah this has all of the class of a chapter from Moby-Dick. "Here is another in-depth character bio, from birth till our point in the story, in excruciating detail and mixed in with a couple of chapters about whale taxonomy*. Alas! he is going to die, just like everyone else!"

It reads very informally, like how someone would tell this story to some friends, which is something I haven't seen much of before. Keep going.

*Somewhere along the line this became a Moby-Dick parody instead of whatever it was supposed to be.

[CasualFriday]

It reads very informally, like how someone would tell this story to some friends, which is something I haven't seen much of before. Keep going.

Kind of what I was going for. My friends always told me I was a really good story-teller, so I'm trying to incorporate that.

[CasualFriday]

Sorry to double post, but I have Chapter 2. It's kind of a caveat and is a bit short, but I think it's interesting nonetheless.

Chapter 2

Now, I neglected to mention that I was not Nicole’s first boyfriend. A few months prior to our first romantic encounter, Nicole broke up with her first boyfriend, Caleb. I didn’t know Caleb very well, but had spoken to him before while we were in middle school (he was a year ahead of us). As far as I knew, he was a pretty nice guy, and not a bad fit for Nicole.

Unfortunately, Caleb cheated on Nicole. As I understand it, he was at church on a Wednesday for some kind of youth service, and ended up making out with this whore (whom I now refer to as “Double-Whore”) in some dark, empty room. Of course, Nicole was devastated. She broke up with Caleb post-haste, told him she never wanted to see him again, and burned all of the stuff she kept in her “memory box” like ticket stubs, pictures, etc.

Well, Caleb wasn’t exactly on board with the whole “never speaking again” thing, so he decided to do something about it. He kept calling Nicole (even while we were dating) and telling her that he’d never hurt her again, that he just wants her back, and anything else he could think of. When she didn’t show any interest, he started to get weird. Not “talking-to-myself” weird, but fucked up “I’m-going-to-kill-myself-if-you-don’t-date-me” weird. Yeah. He would call her up at any time during the night, crying. He’d tell her that he was going to cut himself, hang himself, or drug himself to death unless she did something about it. She’d handle the situation (as I said, she’s very smart and can handle herself) and then call me to tell me what’s going on.

Needless to say, I was pretty angry that this bastard was doing this. I told her that I wanted to talk to him about the situation, but she refused, telling me that he always carried a knife on him, even to school. Now, I’m not stupid enough to confront an emotionally disturbed kid with a knife, so I kind of backed off, as per her request.

But Caleb wasn’t done there. He found out we were dating, and started to spread rumors about me. There were actually a few instances where people came up and informed me that Caleb told them that I “got drunk every night” and “sold pot to everyone he knows”. I saw a lot of irony in this, as Caleb was an alcoholic and wannabe-dealer at this point (I know this because one of my acquaintances relayed a story to me about Caleb, in which he promised to “hook him up”. Caleb drove to a real dealer’s house and bought some weed with the other guy’s money, and brought it to him). OF course, these things didn’t stop him from spreading rumors about me.

Ultimately, I just ignored the bastard, and, oddly enough, he just kind of stopped. I mean, we heard from him every once in a blue moon, and he called Nicole a couple of times after that bitching about how he’s changed, but he kind of just disappeared. Last I heard, he was working at Cracker Barrel and doing coke in the employee bathroom. I guess everyone’s cut out for something.

[AHMETxRock]

Nice. But chapter 2 did end ubruptly. Seeing as how you're telling the story the as a main character looking back on his life, the voice you're using seems to be a partially omniscient narrator. It works. If the "bastard" character doesn't do much more than what you've already said, then I'd try and expand on his character. You knew little, but your narrator knows more apparently. Perhaps the last you heard of him was truely his employment at the Cracker barrel, and he won't be relevant further on. Mentioning this dude should have some sort of relevance if you want it to be good, however. Just the fact he fucked the girl up emotionally and harrassed you a bit isn't enough to warrant him.

I'm not criticizing you, and feel free to disagree with me. I don't know where you're going, only giving you general advice. I'm basically saying, making that puzzle piece fits nicely. Don't plan every other pieces shape, then leave the last piece to be shaped by whatever space is left.

All in all, good job. Perhaps the fact the first chapter and second chapter are of different lengths that is giving me that little nag in the back of my head.

[CasualFriday]

All in all, good job. Perhaps the fact the first chapter and second chapter are of different lengths that is giving me that little nag in the back of my head.

Thanks for the criticism, and yeah, it kind of bothers me too, but there's not much else to say about him. Don't worry about it not fitting though, I think I have this thing planned out pretty well.

[FengharTheNord]

Cool story, bro.

But seriously, I am intrigued and waiting to see where this story goes.

[Edminster]

Has it really been nearly three weeks since he's logged in? Damn.

[LordRetard]

It's kinda tragic, I thought it was going somewhere.

[FengharTheNord]

This saddens me greatly.

[Rayler]

I blame AIDS, or other extraterrestrial variation.