Little story.

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FengharTheNord
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Little story.

Post by FengharTheNord »

"Take it all".
I exhaled and touched the flask to my lips. As the liquid slid down my throat I secretly hoped she wouldn't just throw it away, my last breath.

Where I was going I didn't need it. All I needed was this book and my hands. This book, leather bound and held fast by dull tattered ribbon, holds sketches of the places I have been, and the places I am heading to. It holds secrets.

I held it tightly in my hands; it seemed to hold me back. I didn't want to lose it when I fell. I didn't want to lose myself.

She placed a consoling hand on my forehead. Her fingertips were chilly and far from comforting. As I laid there in the empty tub, my porcelain grave, I could feel the poison start to take effect. My feet fell asleep, and like cement shoes, dragged the rest of my body down into the murky depths. I struggled to keep my eyes open as she rose and walked away with the envelope stuffed full of paper. I could smell the greed wafting off of her. It was then that my emotions surged and roared and crashed against my skull with the wrath of Poseidon himself, stabbing daggers into my brain. Entire swaths of my conciousness were being cut away, leaving inflamed and aggrivated pieces.

My suspicions were confirmed; she lied. But the curtains were being tugged, being brought down. It seemed that a million hot, blistered hands were working away at me. Trying to cut out the last piece.

I realized, with what was left of my mind

I didn't want to die.
Wrote it supa quick and such. Thoughts?
Last edited by FengharTheNord on Tue Jun 30, 2009 2:04 am, edited 2 times in total.
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Amerika wrote:
DonRetrasado wrote:Well you'd need a sock as big as an airplane to hide my penis. An airplane the size of the universe.
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Sahan
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Re: Little story.

Post by Sahan »

I think that was really good, the way you scattered those thoughts into little snippets to me really gave a good reflection of a confused and dying mind, and a simple yet incredibly effective twist at the end. you could probably make it the ending to an epicly good short story, if you could expand a bit more at the beginning.
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Edminster
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Re: Little story.

Post by Edminster »

It kind of reminds me of the story 'The Soul of Martha, a Beast'. Except about a guy, not a monkey. And it's not set in court. And it's almost completely different, now that I think about it.
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Re: Little story.

Post by FengharTheNord »

Edminster wrote:It kind of reminds me of the story 'The Soul of Martha, a Beast'. Except about a guy, not a monkey. And it's not set in court. And it's almost completely different, now that I think about it.
Hahaha.

Well I could probably really expand it because I thought of like ALL this backstory to it in my mind. Oh and I copied it from a notepad file and since notepad doesn't word wrap the formatting was all horked. I fixed it now.
DonRetrasado wrote:
Amerika wrote:
DonRetrasado wrote:Well you'd need a sock as big as an airplane to hide my penis. An airplane the size of the universe.
Wait I live in a universe.
bow chicka bow wow

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Re: Little story.

Post by LordRetard »

My first thought is "are you really sure that you want to draw it out?" Since it's already pretty good. But then again, you say you have much more work done... I don't believe in needlessly fleshing works out but it looks like there could be something else here.

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Re: Little story.

Post by FengharTheNord »

LordRetard wrote:My first thought is "are you really sure that you want to draw it out?" Since it's already pretty good. But then again, you say you have much more work done... I don't believe in needlessly fleshing works out but it looks like there could be something else here.
I'm too lazy to flesh it out anyways. I'm just saying I could, because I thought of all this back stuff to the characters when I was writing it. In fact-

was just thinking like
*basically
*the guy has like autism
*but he's rich
*or
*has money
*and he's obsessed with this girl
*and also obsessed with the afterlife
*and he wants her to kill him
*so she makes him drink this poison
*and he gives her money in compensation
*but realizes
*she never loved him
*and is actually just a greedy whore
*and then he gets afraid
*and doesn't want to die
*but does
*so Yeah :D ~ I was telling it to my friend on MSN.

But I don't plan on doing anything with it. In fact, if I did, it would probably suck hard, because the backstory I thought up isn't even very good.
DonRetrasado wrote:
Amerika wrote:
DonRetrasado wrote:Well you'd need a sock as big as an airplane to hide my penis. An airplane the size of the universe.
Wait I live in a universe.
bow chicka bow wow

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Re: Little story.

Post by Sahan »

I don't think it needs to be much bigger to classify as a short story, and it certainly is better if you leave the reader as clueless as they are reading the excerpt you just gave us. In my mind I can see a small conversation or argument in which he resolves him to go ahead with this plan, which could possibly explore the ideas of death and afterlife, if that's what you're after.

Damn, do I want to just steal this story and make it my own.
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Since when is chemistry not a science?

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Re: Little story.

Post by LordRetard »

Ah, I see. I generally use that as a cue of when to stop writing; "I don't like the story, so this is the most I can do." Well, something like that. Anyway if you didn't like it, at the very least you've done good with what you had. I was wondering what could possibly have happened; "forced suicide? assisted suicide? hrmm..." In that same way I don't always like a story being clarified for me. :wink: More like this?

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Re: Little story.

Post by Kimra »

If you wanted to make this a 1000 word story (basic short story length in my head), I would put the expansion at the beginning. Have it follow the motions of an almost ritual like preparation for the event. Not give any major back story, except in snippets, thoughts about the past, or concerns about the moment "I wondered why she was really doing this, and only hoped it was for the right reasons" (or something, I'm just regurgitating words right now).

She walks off with an envelope of papers, at first I thought this was the book he as holding, but if it wasn't I'm not sure what's in that envelope and it's very vague (possibly intentional).

Initially I thought he was an artist, or a writer or something like that, and she was taking his work, stealing it to sell for a higher profit or something. I kind of liked that idea, and I imagine lots of people would like whatever conclusions they came to, so don't over explain.

I think this story would actually gain a lot from expansion. But then I like long stories (I know I'm not in the majority here).

And with that shockingly disjointed response I'm going to cease my ramble.

EDIT: Bah I forgot to mention that it was good. Easy to follow and read, and interesting. Well done. (yeah that sounds patronizing but it's not, seriously)
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Re: Little story.

Post by Sahan »

Kimra wrote:If you wanted to make this a 1000 word story (basic short story length in my head), I would put the expansion at the beginning. Have it follow the motions of an almost ritual like preparation for the event. Not give any major back story, except in snippets, thoughts about the past, or concerns about the moment "I wondered why she was really doing this, and only hoped it was for the right reasons" (or something, I'm just regurgitating words right now).

Initially I thought he was an artist, or a writer or something like that, and she was taking his work, stealing it to sell for a higher profit or something. I kind of liked that idea, and I imagine lots of people would like whatever conclusions they came to, so don't over explain.

EDIT: Bah I forgot to mention that it was good. Easy to follow and read, and interesting. Well done. (yeah that sounds patronizing but it's not, seriously)
Quoted for truth, this is what I was trying to say but with more stupid involved.
Destructicus wrote: Alt text:
"I wonder if chemists feel bad that they're always left out of these sorts of jokes."

Since when is chemistry not a science?

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Re: Little story.

Post by Kimra »

Sahan wrote:Quoted for truth, this is what I was trying to say but with more stupid involved.
Mine had more stupid? Yeah I know. :P

And yeah I see now that I basically repeated you. Go me and my awesome. With these powers I could be... a Superhero.
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Re: Little story.

Post by Rainbow »

That was awesome. Why is everyone on this forum seemingly good at everything?
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Edminster
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Re: Little story.

Post by Edminster »

Because we've all had years more experience and practise than you have?
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Re: Little story.

Post by Rainbow »

After all this time and practice, you would think you'd get a grasp on that whole spelling thing.
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Re: Little story.

Post by Edminster »

Assuming that I practised recognizing when I should use practice instead of practise, yes.
ol qwerty bastard wrote:bitcoin is backed by math, and math is intrinsically perfect and logically consistent always

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