Space JAM

[FengharTheNord]

The Seven Moons and A Planet Also

Once upon a time there was a planet with seven moons and it had a lot of waves. The planet was very unhappy. I am unhappy said the planet. So he exploded. Meanwhile, Captain Jack Shepard of the U.S.S.S.S.S. Capsize, was rollin through space, straight gangsta, bustin lazas up in some asses of his homies who had betrayed him and left him marooned on maroonious XCX-13, the planet where homies leave homies to be all marooned and whatnot.

Well Captain Jack Shepard turned out to be a clone so he just killed himself on that planet and rezzed in his cloning bay. Rezzed means resurrected by the way. Anyways, he rezzed himself in his cloning bay and started out on his mission to destroy his straight up busta homies that gone and left him marooned on maroonious. Man, he hated homies like that. But Captain Jack Shepard wasn't about to let them get away with it. So he jumped out of his cloning pod, threw on some sick space threads, grabbed a piece from his friend Emmet, who supplied him with all his stix and he jacked the nearest speed bike and flew off planet of omicron six. He knew his homies would probably be chillin out by they main joint, the asteroid field, but he decided to check everywhere else first.

Some famous detective guy did that. Check everywhere you least expect first. He wore a hat or somethin. Had a pipe. Robert Downey Jr. played him in those old 2D movies. Man, CJ hated those movies- that's what people called him nowadays, CJ. Short for Captain Jack. They left of the Shepard. Shepard was a whack name. Anyways, CJ hated those old movies. He didn't like watching any movie that had less than four dimensions. And 2d was 2 less. Haha. Sometimes CJ laughed at stuff he thought up in his head. Sometimes people called CJ crazy. Sometimes those people would go missing. Whether or not CJ was crazy he sure had a way with words. He started wars, ended wars, post-poned wars, warred wars, all by just saying a few words. CJ was fly like that. Aint nobody call him a busta. Aint no one call him a jive turkey. CJ aint no jive turkey, he straight illin. Cold thuggin.

Cold like space cold man. That's how CJ was. Anyways he was just chillin out on his awesome space bike that he just jacked and all the honey's in the room were lookin him up and down but CJ wasn't no playa, he had a girl for life. For life man. He just remembered her. Shahahahahahaxiqua. He decided to hit her up and tell her he died but was still alive and also that he was gonna go bust some fools up so he'd be back late tonight.

When he showed up at her crib he saw one of his homies' cars parked out front. He instantly knew that Shahahahahahaxiqua was a scandalous wench so he tossed some time proxy mines into the window and sped off puttin on some spaceglasses which were like sunglasses except for space and if you took a picture of it it would be like from a movie or something but anyways he sped off into the not-horizon(Lol space doesn't have a horizon) but he sped off shedding a few tears. She had been his longest relationship yet(2 weeks) though she was always sayin he was kinda clingy and weird looking he just ignored it. And now that he really thought about it she never really said yes when he asked her out. In fact she said no. Damn CJ, that's messed up. He said to himself. CJ talked to himself a lot. Did I already tell you that? Yeah he talked to himself a lot.


SUDDENLY. Space vikings attacked. And space raptors. And people with guns for heads. It was CJ's old homies. He knew because they wore shirts that said that they were CJ's old homies. Otherwise he would've had trouble recognizing them. Most space people looked like this. CJ didn't. He was kinda weird. But anyways those homies started shooting up all over the place and then they started shooting at him when they were satisfied with their drug use. CJ wasn't very good at dodging lazers. So he got hit a few times. Nearly died. Started bleeding all over the place.

In space things float so his blood was all hitting him in the face and he kept getting real freaked out by it like when you walk into a spider web and it gets on your lip and stuff and you kinda spazz out but you can't help it well CJ's blood was getting all up in his face and then he passed out and then he woke up. When CJ woke up he woke up in space hospital, which is like a regular hospital except it's in space. Also, a majority of the medication distributed there is done through suppositories. CJ hated space hospital. Most people did. But CJ hated it especially, because it's where his first wife left him and also where his first wife died(He killed her) and also where his grams died. CJ loved his grams. She'd make him space cookies. They were like regular cookies except in space. So you could float and stuff and jump real high and then kick off the ceiling and dunk them in the milk but you had to be careful because the milk would float all around unless you had it in a gravity cup but Grams always had a gravity cup available so CJ would float all over her house and break her precious china so he could do the ultimate cookie in milk dunk. CJ loved his grams.

She was real fly and never put him down. But one day she mysteriously got her head hurt from some china falling on her and she died in the hospital and CJ was real sad and on that day he swore vengeance on whoever killed his grams. Just then the doctor came in. Then he left. I guess he was just che- OH NO here he comes again. Yup. This time he stayed in. He walked over to CJ with what appeared to be a grim look on his face. CJ couldn't really tell, he had a gun for a face. The doctor. Not CJ. CJ was normal by you and I's standards. But the doctor walked in and told CJ that he was living. For space doctors that's bad news because space is so awful, but CJ really liked living and he thought he would do it for a few more years. Just then CJ had a flashback. HE WAS THE ONE WHO WOT KILLED GRAMZ! This upset CJ greatly. So he flew into the sun. But before he did that he thought really long and hard. He thought about his swearing for vengeance

And he eventually decided that he would keep to it, because CJ tried to keep his promises. Unlike some people. His first wife, for instance. That jerk. Anyways, CJ decided he would keep his promise to kill whoever killed grams, which turned out to be himself, but before doing so he would have to deliver some ill rhymes and some sick beats to his homies. Also kill them. So he jumped out of bed but his wounds weren't fully healed so he laid back in bed for a while to let them heal. After about three days they healed but CJ really liked the nurses and them medicine here so he decided he would stick around for a few more days. Several weeks passed.

Then months. And then also years. Some years passed after that. But eventually the doctors caught on and threw him out. He had made many friends in space hospital. Had many good times. But it was finally time for him to leave. He said his teary goodbyes, and they started to beat him up and then the really buff guys in white picked him up and tossed him out into space and he floated around for a while but then he remembered! I've gotta go kill my homies and also myself. So he started paddling as fast as he could to the asteroid belt. He didn't really know how he was gonna kill his homies without any straps or nuffin but he decided he didn't really want to see Emmet's stupid face so he kept paddling to the asteroid belt and when he showed up he saw all his homies just chillin out maxin relaxin all cool and CJ got real mad. He was supposed to be chillin out maxin relaxin all cool with his homies, but they had betrayed him and shottered him all up.

He decided he would wait until nightfall to attack him. He waited around for a couple hours before he realized he was in space and there was no nightfall. Then he made his move. He paddled a little bit forward. And then he paddled a bit more. And then he paddled really really fast and punched all his homies in the face real hard. Even the ones with guns for faces. He didn't care if it hurt he was really mad.

They all said sorry and he was like “oh ok”. Then he asked if he could borrow one of their sweet space bikes but they all said no so he decided to just jack one from some old lady and then he got on it and looked back at his homies with a tear in his eyes and he shot off into the sun.
Then he woke up in his clone bay. The end.

[Cirtur]

Yo man

First I was like


But then I was like

[FengharTheNord]

It's got morals and shit man.

[Cirtur]

Makes me think 'bout my own grams.

[Lethal Interjection]

Me too.

[Cirtur]

Lethal, that's dope.