Long joke, it's worth it

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Long joke, it's worth it

Postby Amerika » Mon Jan 24, 2011 11:47 pm

So I watched a movie recently, here's something it prompted me to write.
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Re: Long joke, it's worth it

Postby Edminster » Mon Jan 24, 2011 11:55 pm

the title of this thread is misleading
ol qwerty bastard wrote:bitcoin is backed by math, and math is intrinsically perfect and logically consistent always

gödel stop spreading fud
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Re: Long joke, it's worth it

Postby Amerika » Mon Jan 24, 2011 11:55 pm

You've just heard it before. Anyway it's about the journey, also did any of it leap out at you for any reason?
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Re: Long joke, it's worth it

Postby Edminster » Tue Jan 25, 2011 12:07 am

i liked the repetition of "Don’t worry, it’s not her own." throughout, but the rest is just bland and expected.
ol qwerty bastard wrote:bitcoin is backed by math, and math is intrinsically perfect and logically consistent always

gödel stop spreading fud
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Re: Long joke, it's worth it

Postby Amerika » Tue Jan 25, 2011 1:12 am

ed I hate you so much
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Re: Long joke, it's worth it

Postby Kovvy » Tue Jan 25, 2011 2:19 am

Did you see the documentary on that joke?

I didn't. But I heard it was good.
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Re: Long joke, it's worth it

Postby Kimra » Tue Jan 25, 2011 5:26 am

Like all good books, I skipped to the end and read the final lines. Didn't seem so funny... -_-
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Re: Long joke, it's worth it

Postby Amerika » Tue Jan 25, 2011 8:21 am

I guess, LIKE AN IDIOT, I wrote it to be read in its entirety.
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Re: Long joke, it's worth it

Postby Sahan » Tue Jan 25, 2011 10:08 am

Can you post it somewhere where the animnation doesn't rape my eyes?
Destructicus wrote:Alt text:
"I wonder if chemists feel bad that they're always left out of these sorts of jokes."

Since when is chemistry not a science?
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Re: Long joke, it's worth it

Postby Amerika » Tue Jan 25, 2011 10:13 am

NO
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Re: Long joke, it's worth it

Postby Amerika » Tue Jan 25, 2011 10:14 am

So a guy walks in to a talent agency; he’s got an appointment to see the manager for some new talent. He walks into the office and sees him.

“Hey, how’s my favourite talent agent, huh?” Says the manager.

“Good good, now today’s a little different, it’s an act of my own that I’m offering to you.” The agent shifts a little from foot to foot, clearly a little nervous.

“Oh really,” says the manager. He notices the nerves. “Hey, Joseph. Calm down. I’m sure your act is decent and wholesome.”

“It certainly is hole-some. It’s a family act, see. Me, my wife, my two children and a couple of nieces and nephews. It starts out with just me on stage. I’m dressed as a rabi, except my erect penis is poking out of a hole in the robe. It’s decorated to look like a pig, and we’ll come back to that later.

Then my wife comes out, bare breasts but drenched in menstrual blood. Don’t worry, it’s not her own. She’s carrying a stepladder which she places next to me then climbs. When she’s at the top she urinates all over my face and body and calls for my daughter to join her. Well my 8 year old daughter comes out and climbs up the stepladder and using my shoulders she climbs atop her mother and begins to defecate in her hands. She then pushes the faeces into her vagina while spitting on her mother and on the audience.

That’s when I call for my son. Now he’s a gifted boy, by which I mean he’s 15 and a very talented plastic surgeon. He made my nephew and niece the way they were for christ’s sake! But we’ll come to them later. Now my son comes out naked except for an apparatus that looks like a set of four women’s breasts. These breasts are lactating heavily and begin to squirt all around the room. All over everyone. He crawls onto the stage and goes through my legs and starts to nibble on the end of my penis.

So that’s when I start to move. I pick up my daughter and place her in front of me. I drag my son up from the floor and place him in front of me and next to his sister. That’s when the wedding begins. My wife goes off stage and when she comes back she’s got a bucket full of tears. Don’t worry, they’re not hers. So she throws this bucket of tears over the ceremony and then goes offstage again. She returns with another few buckets of tears and that’s what she’s doing throughout.

So I’m officiating the marriage between my children when my nephew and niece come out. Now, they used to not be conjoined twins, but what can I say, my son’s a genius! He sewed them up so that every time they take a step the nephew’s penis enters my niece’s vagina. He also made their faces identical to my daughter’s, and gave them the bodies of pornography actresses. My nephew never did thank him, but he was stabbed in the head recently and hasn’t been much of a talker since!

It’s such an emotional affair, that when I’m done there isn’t a dry eye on stage. The newly married couple shout mazel tov and crush a glass. That’s when we skip to the wedding night. My wife and I form a bed out of our bodies so that we’re lying on our fronts on stage. My son and daughter begin to orally pleasure each other while my nephew and niece form a backdrop of sexual intercourse.

Well pretty soon the foreplay is over. My son enters my daughter’s vagina using the faeces I mentioned earlier as lubricant. He thrusts in and out several times and then gets angry. I didn’t mentioned my son’s anger problems, but he has a lot. He picks up my daughter bodily and smashes her head against the stage. Ordinarily there’s no blood at this point, so my wife smears some of her menstrual blood on to my daughters forehead. It is my wife’s at this point, because it gives it that extra special feel. My daughter suckles from my wife’s breast while I lick off any excess menstrual blood from my wife’s vagina. My son suckles on the “twins” breasts, as he should, I mean he made them.

After a while of course the audience is getting bored, and that’s all part of it. That’s when we bring on one lucky audience member to participate in the grand finale. We position the audience member in front of me and on his or her knees. I proceed to use the participants face as a sexual device and pleasure myself using his or her mouth. The audience member is then forced to stare at my penis while I ejaculate on their face. The rest of my family proceeds to pull off the audience member’s clothes and insert various items into various orifices. Never anything sharp you understand, but always something uncomfortable.

That’s when I go fetch the chopping board and the knife. I order my family away who go and put on their final costumes and wait for the signal to come on stage. The chopping board is about groin height as I place it centre stage. I pull the audience member’s head up from the floor and place it on the chopping block. Then I place my penis next to their head so that they can look at my pig-decorated member once more.

My family comes back on-stage at this point. The son and daughter are dressed in matching minstrel outfits, the twins are wearing a burka - it’s really the only clothes that fit them - and my wife is dressed as the prophet Mohammed with her breasts and vagina still showing.

I pick up the knife and hold it above my head for a few seconds to allow the audience member some time to get to grips with my intentions. I then quickly bring the blade down into my penis and sever it from my body.

Most nights I then collapse on the floor. My wife cuts up my penis and forces a part of it into everyone’s mouth. Curtain falls, audience claps, those of us able to take our bows.”

The manager is silent for several seconds.

“And what,” he says eventually, “And what do you call this act?”

“The Aristocrats!”
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Re: Long joke, it's worth it

Postby Kimra » Tue Jan 25, 2011 10:55 am

Amerika wrote:NO

I think you lied. Just a little.
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Re: Long joke, it's worth it

Postby Apocalyptus » Thu Jan 27, 2011 10:04 am

Sahan wrote:Can you post it somewhere where the animnation doesn't rape my eyes?

Or you could copy and paste it into notepad or word or something, I guess.
Kimra wrote:Next they'll be denying us the right to say "We'll rape your arse if you don't come to this fucken country."
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